Hi God,
I saw him today. He was at the other end of the block and I was walking towards that direction. He stopped and looked. Readjusted his stance, and looked again. Is that her? That's what it felt like. I didn't say anything. I could have confirmed that yes its me! But, no I couldn't. He hasn't called at all.
I feel sick to my stomach over Swoop.
I don't know why.
Love please
Geez my chest is so full, tight ...like I'm holding it all in. My stomache hurts. No appetitie. I'm sad. I'm crying, tearing.
I've been blocking and unblocking your number throughout the day.
I don't even know you, nothing about you ... So, I'm sure God that perhaps it was a chance meeting, that was like tumbleweed, rolling along fast. Was it to teach me something? Show me something?
All I have is the back story.
Going to work ... I'm back in DC. Left Atlanta in Sept. Riding the Metro ... my card wasn't working. I knew I had money on it. The employee was coming to help, and this tall, really tall, dark and handsome man said ... I'll help her. I am personally going to walk you to your building.
The next time I saw you .... you were taking me to lunch?? I don't remember .... What I do remember is meeting you in the lobby. I was waiting with my back to door. You came up behind me, hugged me around the waist. I cupped your hands. I'm sure I had the biggest surprise smile on my face. "Hi Dear, How's your day going? Kids got off to school ok? Then you turned me around to face you and you kissed me ... the way two people in love kiss each other.
It was perfect. Spontaneously perfect. Peanut butter and jelly. Then it wasn't.
You made plans. I'll come get you on Thursday. You didn't. Later, explaining your Mom fell and needed to go to the hospital. Family always first.
To make it up, the next time we saw each other at work ... you drove me home, stopped for an early dinner, then to the house. We kissed on the street, horns blews, whistlers celebrated our public display of affection.You came in, walked around, looked at the projects, the work that needed to be done. You could help me with this, help me save some money ... that's what you said.
You felt so comfortable, so safe. I don't know why I trusted it, you, so quickly.
You talked about coming to ATL. I offered the invitation. You didn't come.
Later, a phone call that you were in Paris for work.
Later, I met you for a brief lunch ... I had a meeting. I briefly kissed you. That's the last time.
I call. I text. I whatsapp. Nothing.
You email me from your work email that your in Israel, be back Friday.
Speak to you Saturday. We'll talk tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow
Sunday, I text you. You text, I'll call you in 5 min. No call. No show.
Three times you were no call, no show. The third time, no apology.
It's Tuesday morning @ 1am, why is this foolishness on my brain? Why is it keeping me up?
This is What I Think:
5 years after Sean, I miss being a wife, a companion to my husband. Swoop moved so quickly around me, grab me up and held me close. It was the first time I felt part of a union again. Until I wasn't.
There's a feeling of abandonment. Being discarded. Disposable. I don't know you to credit you with all of this. There has to be some unresolved issues from my marriage, my childhood ... I don't know.
What I do know is that I always want to be honest. I want the best my God has to offer.You have not demonstrated that you are. But, I feel you are and that I'm getting it all wrong. Then, that's me not wanting to believe what I have already experienced.
I'm surprised because he's a youth coach, girls basketball, football. He's a father to both a son and a daughter. You've been, or are, a husband.
The red flags are there and I'm better off for it. Perhaps this opened my eyes is to how vulnerable I am.
God continue to watch over me please,
Love always, Yo
Hi God,
Its not like I didn't have anything to write ... just doesn't feel the same to know that Sean could possibly be reading my entries. Feels invasive .... Like I have to watch what or how I write.
Love you always, Yo
