As I was watching tv and surfing, half listening, the character - JJ, reaching out to a serial killer over the radio. The words resonated with me ... What a mom is suppose to be, suppose to do...
I missed, miss even now at 52, not having a mom. Someone that you could just tell anything, pains, hopes, dreams, wishes ... a protector, provider, nurturer, caregiver, advisor.
I may not have been afraid of her, but I was always afraid of becoming her. Being like her. Passing that "like" on to my daughter.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [voiceover] A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another, the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But, if these minds get out of harmony with one another, it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden. -The Buddha
"...but I am a mother.
I know ... it's just not fair.
And no one can make that better,
I wish I could, I do,
But if I could somehow go back there, you know,
And make what was happening to you stop,
I could just pick you up and just tell you it'll all be okay.
That's what moms are supposed to do.
They're not supposed to be the cause of your pain,
They're supposed to make it go away.
They're supposed to hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright.
They're supposed to tell you that thunder is angels bowling.
And that it's okay to be afraid of the dark, and it isn't silly to think there might be monsters in your closet.
And that it's okay if you want to climb into bed with them just this once because it's scary in the room all alone...
They're supposed to say it's okay to be afraid,
And not be the thing you're afraid of.
But most importantly, they're supposed to love you no matter what."
June Cleaver, Florida Evans, are the first two moms that come to mind. Unconditionally love.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Thomas A. Kempis
Love feels no burden,
thinks nothing of trouble,
attempts what is above its strength,
pleads no excuse of impossibility...
It is therefore able to undertake all things,
and it completes many things,
and warrants them to take effect,
where he who does not love would faint and lie down.
Love is watchful and sleeping, slumbereth not.
Though weary, it is not tired;
though pressed, it is not straitened;
though alarmed, it is not confounded...
- Thomas A. Kempis -
thinks nothing of trouble,
attempts what is above its strength,
pleads no excuse of impossibility...
It is therefore able to undertake all things,
and it completes many things,
and warrants them to take effect,
where he who does not love would faint and lie down.
Love is watchful and sleeping, slumbereth not.
Though weary, it is not tired;
though pressed, it is not straitened;
though alarmed, it is not confounded...
- Thomas A. Kempis -
Monday, July 29, 2013
She'll Soar!
God,
There are so many things I am very thankful. I thank you for a daughter who has overcome many of my strongholds.
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She'll be leaving for the military in less than 10 days.
She has the spirit of adventure!
She has the spirit of independence!
She is beautiful, smart and sexy! All three equal in value.
My princess. A godly vessel. Honor your body. You are royalty. A daughter of the Most High.
My dreamer. She wanted, I wanted, her to have her passport early. Her pass to the world, the entire world.
My scholar. Honor Society. Banner Society.
I love her so much God. Thank you for her. Protect her. Be in her dreams.
I give her back to you. I am proud to give her back to you.
Always,
Yo
There are so many things I am very thankful. I thank you for a daughter who has overcome many of my strongholds.
She'll be leaving for the military in less than 10 days.
She has the spirit of adventure!
She has the spirit of independence!
She is beautiful, smart and sexy! All three equal in value.
My princess. A godly vessel. Honor your body. You are royalty. A daughter of the Most High.
My dreamer. She wanted, I wanted, her to have her passport early. Her pass to the world, the entire world.
My scholar. Honor Society. Banner Society.
I love her so much God. Thank you for her. Protect her. Be in her dreams.
I give her back to you. I am proud to give her back to you.
Always,
Yo
Damages .... Broken Spirit ... Looking for Acceptance
God,
There's been so much ... I feel so broken on so many levels.
Me, her mother, at the same age. Beautiful, smart and sexy!
Value most: sexy, beautiful ... smart last.
Lost my virginity @ 13. While my mother was in California when she jumped bond with the photographer. The same man that whipped me with two belts. She protected him over me. She chose him over me.
Smoked marijuana given to me by my mother. Safer source/supplier she said ... Better I give it to you than getting off the street.
My sister and I shared a room. Remember us fighting over the telephone. My mother coming upstairs ... not to break it up but to cheer her on. "Get her Divita. Whip her ass."
What kind of mom does this?
Graduated from high school @ 16 years old. Left for an out-of-state college fast and in a hurry.
My freshmen year, 16 years old. Pregnant. He wanted to marry me. Abortion. He left college.
18 years old. My junior year. Cheerleader. Captain of JV Squad. Abducted from campus with two other members. One raped and murdered. My mother a media hound.
Left college. Capital murder trial. Death penalty.
Back home with my mother.
Dating a man in his thirties. A mailman. Drove a corvette. My mom moved him into the house. Never had a home. He became her roomer. I became available. Pregnant. Didn't tell him. Secret abortion, secret to him ... she knew ... they all knew. He loved me and would have wanted to marry me. Didn't want to marry an old man. What I remember most about him: the stuff he used in his hair smelled musty. He wore dentures. Never saw them. Never saw him without them. He probably needs a post to himself. Moved out. Back to college campus. He moved out and got his own apartment.
Introduced by his best-friend's wife, suppose to be my best-friend, in her thirties, educator, Masters Degree, to one of her friends ... a drug-dealer in his thirties... A car. An apartment. Clothes. White Flint. Macy's. Neiman-Marcus. Jazz. Georgetown. Pregnant. Abortion. Pregnant. A son. Beaten. Battered. Abused. Exploited. Moved back in with my mother. He told me one day ... She said to him ... If want to continue to have access to her ... you'll have to pay me ....
Money, drugs, sex... what she valued most. This was my role-model of a virtuous woman ... Who was praying for me?
All before I was 25 years old.
Not my daughter. I protect her. Telling her how special she is. How smart she is. You always have choices. You never have to do anything you don't want to do.
Be empowered.
Be smart.
Be self-determined.
Have honor.
Have integrity.
Your word is your bond.
Be authentic.
Trust God in All things.
Most of all, my daughter knows that her mom loves her. Loves her so much it is my breath of life.
God, I beg you, cleanse my mind ... I know you've forgiven me ... just like the woman at the well. My body is your temple and you reside in me today. I can't erase my past. Not another day ... shall it block me from the future you have for me. I have to forgive me.
There's been so much ... I feel so broken on so many levels.
Me, her mother, at the same age. Beautiful, smart and sexy!
Value most: sexy, beautiful ... smart last.
Lost my virginity @ 13. While my mother was in California when she jumped bond with the photographer. The same man that whipped me with two belts. She protected him over me. She chose him over me.
Smoked marijuana given to me by my mother. Safer source/supplier she said ... Better I give it to you than getting off the street.
My sister and I shared a room. Remember us fighting over the telephone. My mother coming upstairs ... not to break it up but to cheer her on. "Get her Divita. Whip her ass."
What kind of mom does this?
Graduated from high school @ 16 years old. Left for an out-of-state college fast and in a hurry.
My freshmen year, 16 years old. Pregnant. He wanted to marry me. Abortion. He left college.
18 years old. My junior year. Cheerleader. Captain of JV Squad. Abducted from campus with two other members. One raped and murdered. My mother a media hound.
Left college. Capital murder trial. Death penalty.
Back home with my mother.
Dating a man in his thirties. A mailman. Drove a corvette. My mom moved him into the house. Never had a home. He became her roomer. I became available. Pregnant. Didn't tell him. Secret abortion, secret to him ... she knew ... they all knew. He loved me and would have wanted to marry me. Didn't want to marry an old man. What I remember most about him: the stuff he used in his hair smelled musty. He wore dentures. Never saw them. Never saw him without them. He probably needs a post to himself. Moved out. Back to college campus. He moved out and got his own apartment.
Introduced by his best-friend's wife, suppose to be my best-friend, in her thirties, educator, Masters Degree, to one of her friends ... a drug-dealer in his thirties... A car. An apartment. Clothes. White Flint. Macy's. Neiman-Marcus. Jazz. Georgetown. Pregnant. Abortion. Pregnant. A son. Beaten. Battered. Abused. Exploited. Moved back in with my mother. He told me one day ... She said to him ... If want to continue to have access to her ... you'll have to pay me ....
Money, drugs, sex... what she valued most. This was my role-model of a virtuous woman ... Who was praying for me?
All before I was 25 years old.
Not my daughter. I protect her. Telling her how special she is. How smart she is. You always have choices. You never have to do anything you don't want to do.
Be empowered.
Be smart.
Be self-determined.
Have honor.
Have integrity.
Your word is your bond.
Be authentic.
Trust God in All things.
Most of all, my daughter knows that her mom loves her. Loves her so much it is my breath of life.
God, I beg you, cleanse my mind ... I know you've forgiven me ... just like the woman at the well. My body is your temple and you reside in me today. I can't erase my past. Not another day ... shall it block me from the future you have for me. I have to forgive me.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Let's Go to the Beach! At nite.
We all are moving forward ... Each our separate way. Yet, there's a bond holding us together.
As I hold her hand in spirit, she will hold their hands in spirit. They will be holding her hand and they will be holding mines.
Me, to start my journey as a single, sexy, smart and vibrant woman.
These three young ladies, now young women: on to the Navy, community college and HBCU.
I hope their bond will last forever.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Ringing the Hell Out of My Phone!
God,
What is up with this????? Sgt. Jones ... a business proposition ... a business arrangement!
9-Months of $1200.00 payments to cover the sale cost of the Armada and insurance.
Since his arrival, there's has been a message every nite with a request for a return call ... "Need to talk with you. It's important."
With each day, more and more calls. I made the mistake of calling from the MajicJack number. Now, calls on both numbers! Glad I never gave him my cell. Calling from one number to the next. If there's no answer on the landline ... why call the MJ? If you've left a message ... why are you calling and hanging up? CALLER ID!!!!
Tried talking with him today. Did I get your call? Yes! Well, two-star General told him to be off base by the end of the day! Well, Sgt. Jones pissed somebody off. Says he doesn't have any money. Why not? Didn't make arrangements for a room? No plans. No place to stay.
I can't help him. I can't. I am feeling stressed. Pressured. Squeezed. Why??? My arrangement with him. 9-months. December, January, February, March, April, May, June, July and August! It's only July.
Not interested in spending any time. Not interested in dinner. Not interested. He came back early. He should have gone home and come back for the truck. $1800.00 payments left.
Sgt. Jones can wait around until Ree leaves on the 5th or he can come back. Just don't make your emergency, my emergency.
Then, he tells me step back ... act like I got some brains. I'm done. Good-bye. Sgt. Jones.
Peace,
Yo
What is up with this????? Sgt. Jones ... a business proposition ... a business arrangement!
9-Months of $1200.00 payments to cover the sale cost of the Armada and insurance.
Since his arrival, there's has been a message every nite with a request for a return call ... "Need to talk with you. It's important."
With each day, more and more calls. I made the mistake of calling from the MajicJack number. Now, calls on both numbers! Glad I never gave him my cell. Calling from one number to the next. If there's no answer on the landline ... why call the MJ? If you've left a message ... why are you calling and hanging up? CALLER ID!!!!
Tried talking with him today. Did I get your call? Yes! Well, two-star General told him to be off base by the end of the day! Well, Sgt. Jones pissed somebody off. Says he doesn't have any money. Why not? Didn't make arrangements for a room? No plans. No place to stay.
I can't help him. I can't. I am feeling stressed. Pressured. Squeezed. Why??? My arrangement with him. 9-months. December, January, February, March, April, May, June, July and August! It's only July.
Not interested in spending any time. Not interested in dinner. Not interested. He came back early. He should have gone home and come back for the truck. $1800.00 payments left.
Sgt. Jones can wait around until Ree leaves on the 5th or he can come back. Just don't make your emergency, my emergency.
Then, he tells me step back ... act like I got some brains. I'm done. Good-bye. Sgt. Jones.
Peace,
Yo
Men Were Never My Best Decision
Dear God,
You know like I know ... Men were never my best decisions. Oh, I could/can get them, even now @ 52 years old. Chrisette Michele sings it best, "I only asking for a couple of forever's" (click photo)
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Picking them, I was never good at it. Always choosing the wrong ones. I can accept the loss and uncertainty. I just do not want to lose the ability to love. To believe in love, be open to be love, accepting, deserving. The greatest gift.
Don't think 44 is one of them. I didn't.
He wasn't honest with me. The honesty that he promised me when we first spoke .. almost 2 years ago. I trust the God in him. I wanted him to be the one ... I wanted me the be the one. He was my best friend. I'm trying not to be angry and bitter .... vengeful. Pain and hurt can harden you.... God, I don't want that for me. 44 is selfish and mean with me. I don't deserve his mistreatment.
I was not the one. That doesn't make him the enemy. He's not the one. I was wrong. He wasn't the man he proclaimed to be. A man of God shouldn't treat any woman with such disregard. He said he would always be truthful to me, even when the truth hurts. He ignores me, disregards me.
I was wrong. He wasn't the man I thought he was. Probably, I knew that the day he left me 10 miles out on the trail alone.
I tried to show how steady and trusting unconditional love is ... It covers you like shade. I hoped he would trust this love ... trust me. He didn't.
Real, but not real. (click photo)
My love was honest. 100 ... I can live with knowing that I gave him my all ...
You know like I know ... Men were never my best decisions. Oh, I could/can get them, even now @ 52 years old. Chrisette Michele sings it best, "I only asking for a couple of forever's" (click photo)
Picking them, I was never good at it. Always choosing the wrong ones. I can accept the loss and uncertainty. I just do not want to lose the ability to love. To believe in love, be open to be love, accepting, deserving. The greatest gift.
Don't think 44 is one of them. I didn't.
He wasn't honest with me. The honesty that he promised me when we first spoke .. almost 2 years ago. I trust the God in him. I wanted him to be the one ... I wanted me the be the one. He was my best friend. I'm trying not to be angry and bitter .... vengeful. Pain and hurt can harden you.... God, I don't want that for me. 44 is selfish and mean with me. I don't deserve his mistreatment.
I was not the one. That doesn't make him the enemy. He's not the one. I was wrong. He wasn't the man he proclaimed to be. A man of God shouldn't treat any woman with such disregard. He said he would always be truthful to me, even when the truth hurts. He ignores me, disregards me.
I was wrong. He wasn't the man I thought he was. Probably, I knew that the day he left me 10 miles out on the trail alone.
I tried to show how steady and trusting unconditional love is ... It covers you like shade. I hoped he would trust this love ... trust me. He didn't.
Real, but not real. (click photo)
My love was honest. 100 ... I can live with knowing that I gave him my all ...
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Masked
Hi God,
Please help me to rinse off, remove, the mask that I've created over the years ... Help me to discover the woman that I am ... Worthy of love, respect, companionship, friendship, loyalty, unconditionally ....
Love you Yolanda
Love you Lord, My God!!
Yo
Monday, July 15, 2013
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Sunday, July 14, 2013
2012 .... 185 lbs! Before Almased Weight!!
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185 lbs.
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18lbs!185lbs
185lbs!
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185lbs
185lbs
185lbs
185lbs
185lbs
185lbs
185lbs
185lbs
185lbs
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Wanting To Be Married
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God, I don't know if I will ever see this man again, but I do hope so. If love was ever enough ...(Thanks Blake Shelton)
The prettiest hand a woman can have is with a ring on it.
1 Corinthians 7:1-40
Now
concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have
sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual
immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to
her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the
husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body,
but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for
a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come
together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of
self-control. ...
To
the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not
separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else
be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.
Therefore
a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they
shall become one flesh.
Then
the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him
a helper fit for him.”
Do
not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness
with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?
This
is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not
die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this
bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the
world is my flesh.” The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, “How can
this man give us his flesh to eat?” So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say
to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you
have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal
life, and I will raise him up on the last day. ...
And
I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and
marries another, commits adultery.”
But
I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of
sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced
woman commits adultery.
So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander.
Friday, July 12, 2013
They are Always a Part of You
Dear God,
I watching a movie entitled, "Skin", about a girl growing up in South Africa born to while parents but has dark skin. Although Sandra is white in blood, the law interpreted race by skin tone, perception. The perception defined who Sandra what she felt and saw in and for herself. She found it easier, if there was a such thing, to live black.
Her father, after Sandra chose to live black, marry a black man and bear his children ... he declared her dead to him.
After the death of Sandra's father, she searched for her mother. Her children asked her wasn't they enough for her. Sandra's reply, "You always need your parent. They are always apart of you."
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I never met my father even when he lived less 50 miles from Baltimore. I contacted and spoke with him a couple of times. He never expressed any interest in meeting me. Left it alone. Just took a minute to see if he was still listed. He is. I called the number to see ... not sure why ... maybe a chance to hear his voice. A voicemail mailbox. He voice saying his name. Then a beep. I listened for a few seconds after the beep. Then I hung up. Not saying anything.
My mother, a piece of work. I don't think she ever wanted to be a mother. She just had children. I have no "motherly" memories of her. My grandfather told my father, her husband, was mean to her. Perhaps, he may have even beat on her. Not sure. All I ever heard from her was that there was a custody battle. She won. He paid child support.
I don't remember the names of all of her "Mr. Rights". Mr. Bill Day, Harry Dunn ... Joseph Lonesome, Westcott ... She did have a few girl friends, Miss Delores, Lavinia, Chicken ...
What about the bill collector's?? My earliest memory could have been a scene from "Good Times".
Gosh, I had to be about 8 or 10 years old. There was a knock at the door. There were two sheriff deputies with badges at the door. They wanted to see her. She wasn't in but told me that I had to let them in because they were officers of the law. So I did. They were they to collect the television that she didn't make payments on. Sent by Western Auto. Oh, she was so mad when she got home. She sent me to my room. Told me that when she got the television back it may be months before I get to look at it.
Or when she would have the television repair man come to the house and then have me answer the door and tell him she wasn't home when he came to collect payment of the bill. Answer the phone, tell them she not home.
I never really dated. Every year we were moving. Running from eviction notice after eviction notice. Notices hanging on the door when I got home from school, month after month. Once Michael Statham, promising attorney from a good family, told me that he had to put my name on a page by itself I moved so much. I remember really liking him. He took me to my first Goucher dance. If I come across the pic of us, I'll add it. He married a beautiful lady with probably no way near the baggage.
When we lived in Painters Mill Apts. She would see Kweisi Mfume, before he became Councilman or President of the NAACP. I had the misfortune of having a bedroom that shared a wall. They banged and banged without regard that her daughter was in the next room. I left. Took the keys to the car and left until morning. I was punished for taking the car.
I've worked since I was 14 or maybe 13. She took my paychecks. I do remember getting to spend the first one. I took Keenan Conigland out to dinner to celebrate. After that, she gave me what she wanted me to have. When I was 16, I rebelled. I told her I wasn't giving her my paychecks any more. Instead, give me a bill. What bill did she give me .... the highest bill outside of the rent ... the gas and electric bill ... that was delinquent. Of course. I continued that until I went away to college. Ran away to college.
In college, she called and told me, but wanted to ask me, like there's was an option. We shared a checking account that had my student loan money. Her boyfriend had car trouble and she wanted to lend him the money out of that account. Of course, she said he promises to pay it back. I never met him nor did I ever see the $2000.00 that she gave him.
I remember talking to my mom on the payphone. Remember telling her before I hung up, "I love you." I remember the silence. Then the "Good-bye", never saying or giving me I love you back.
Drugs and my mother. My mother and drugs went together as long as I can remember. Sex, drugs and men ... my mother's diet of choice. My memories, like parents, are always a part of you ...
Did it manifest in my life ... yes, I guess that will be a hard writing. Did it manifest in the lives of my children ... yes. This will be an even harder, deeper pain ....
My son walking through an unlocked door on his grandmother having sex. Did she stop, no ... just told him to get out. Much like the same experience when I was 16. Later, she would retell me the story of finding him with a straw up his nose.
A mother that wasn't a mother ... can't expected to be a grandmother ... at least not in spirit and truth.
Thanks for always being there Lord,
Yo
I watching a movie entitled, "Skin", about a girl growing up in South Africa born to while parents but has dark skin. Although Sandra is white in blood, the law interpreted race by skin tone, perception. The perception defined who Sandra what she felt and saw in and for herself. She found it easier, if there was a such thing, to live black.
Her father, after Sandra chose to live black, marry a black man and bear his children ... he declared her dead to him.
After the death of Sandra's father, she searched for her mother. Her children asked her wasn't they enough for her. Sandra's reply, "You always need your parent. They are always apart of you."
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My mother, a piece of work. I don't think she ever wanted to be a mother. She just had children. I have no "motherly" memories of her. My grandfather told my father, her husband, was mean to her. Perhaps, he may have even beat on her. Not sure. All I ever heard from her was that there was a custody battle. She won. He paid child support.
I don't remember the names of all of her "Mr. Rights". Mr. Bill Day, Harry Dunn ... Joseph Lonesome, Westcott ... She did have a few girl friends, Miss Delores, Lavinia, Chicken ...
What about the bill collector's?? My earliest memory could have been a scene from "Good Times".
Gosh, I had to be about 8 or 10 years old. There was a knock at the door. There were two sheriff deputies with badges at the door. They wanted to see her. She wasn't in but told me that I had to let them in because they were officers of the law. So I did. They were they to collect the television that she didn't make payments on. Sent by Western Auto. Oh, she was so mad when she got home. She sent me to my room. Told me that when she got the television back it may be months before I get to look at it.
Or when she would have the television repair man come to the house and then have me answer the door and tell him she wasn't home when he came to collect payment of the bill. Answer the phone, tell them she not home.
I never really dated. Every year we were moving. Running from eviction notice after eviction notice. Notices hanging on the door when I got home from school, month after month. Once Michael Statham, promising attorney from a good family, told me that he had to put my name on a page by itself I moved so much. I remember really liking him. He took me to my first Goucher dance. If I come across the pic of us, I'll add it. He married a beautiful lady with probably no way near the baggage.
When we lived in Painters Mill Apts. She would see Kweisi Mfume, before he became Councilman or President of the NAACP. I had the misfortune of having a bedroom that shared a wall. They banged and banged without regard that her daughter was in the next room. I left. Took the keys to the car and left until morning. I was punished for taking the car.
I've worked since I was 14 or maybe 13. She took my paychecks. I do remember getting to spend the first one. I took Keenan Conigland out to dinner to celebrate. After that, she gave me what she wanted me to have. When I was 16, I rebelled. I told her I wasn't giving her my paychecks any more. Instead, give me a bill. What bill did she give me .... the highest bill outside of the rent ... the gas and electric bill ... that was delinquent. Of course. I continued that until I went away to college. Ran away to college.
In college, she called and told me, but wanted to ask me, like there's was an option. We shared a checking account that had my student loan money. Her boyfriend had car trouble and she wanted to lend him the money out of that account. Of course, she said he promises to pay it back. I never met him nor did I ever see the $2000.00 that she gave him.
I remember talking to my mom on the payphone. Remember telling her before I hung up, "I love you." I remember the silence. Then the "Good-bye", never saying or giving me I love you back.
Drugs and my mother. My mother and drugs went together as long as I can remember. Sex, drugs and men ... my mother's diet of choice. My memories, like parents, are always a part of you ...
Did it manifest in my life ... yes, I guess that will be a hard writing. Did it manifest in the lives of my children ... yes. This will be an even harder, deeper pain ....
My son walking through an unlocked door on his grandmother having sex. Did she stop, no ... just told him to get out. Much like the same experience when I was 16. Later, she would retell me the story of finding him with a straw up his nose.
A mother that wasn't a mother ... can't expected to be a grandmother ... at least not in spirit and truth.
Thanks for always being there Lord,
Yo
Phase II - Approaching
Hey God,
Well, received a email from Sgt. Jones. He has returned from Afghanistan and is in Maine. States he should be arriving in Gulfport about 5pm ... then on to Camp Shelby. Says he may need a favor.
I owe him so much. Sgt. Jones purchased the Nissan Armada for $10,000.00, $6,000.00 more than what the dealer wanted to give me as a trade-in.
August 2012, for the first time ever in my life ... I had a car repossessed. I wasn't home when it happened ... Ree was and it really upset her to watch the car get driven away.
I was juggling, shuffling the money around, just trying to pay enough to keep it from being repoed and keeping as much in the bank as possible. Well, I forgot to make a payment ... which made it 3 payments in the arrears. So, I had the money but now I have to pay for the towing and storage which equaled to a car note, $500.00. So I had to put out about $2000.00 to get the Nissan back.
Talked to 44 ... didn't get the support I was hoping. He became more frustrated with my back and forth ... let them keep it because I wasn't sure if I could keep up the payments for the last $8,000.00. Or, get it back because I had already invested too much into it. His response ... let them keep it.
Well, I got the truck back. Later, when I talked to him about it ... He stated that if I had the money to secure possession of the truck, then it was a no brainer, get it back. He stated that he knew I knew the answer and it frustrates him when the answer is so obvious.
Then the offer came from Sgt. Jones .... almost out of the blue. He rented the truck from me for one week for $1000.00 to go to TN to visit his sister. Later, upon his return, he said he had an offer. Later, he said much of his acquired property was divided up in his divorce. He was in need of a automobile; like the truck and asked if I really was interested in selling it. He was interested in buying it and at the cost I was asking.
Sgt. Jones, before leaving for his 9-month deployment to Afghanistan, handed me his bank card and told me to withdraw $600.00 on the 15th and 30th of every month. Keep the insurance, keep driving, and keep up the maintenance. By the time he returned the majority of the $10K will be settled.
I was honored at the trust Sgt. Jones had in me, a stranger. He trusted me not to plumage his account. I fear the Lord ... more than I feared Sgt. Jones. No way would I take such a blessing and disrespect it. Steal and violate a blessing that I would help me breathe.
I wasn't using the Armada anymore since my mom no longer lived with me. Isaac no longer lived with me. Ree drives the Toyota. The Armada was just sitting in the driveway with expensive comprehensive coverage. Costing $100.00 to fill-up.
Now, he's returned. I'm not what the balance is ... even if there is a balance. But its paid off. Paid off about 1 and half months ago.
Got the title in the mail a few weeks ago.
Thank you God for Sgt. Jones.
Update: Isaac has the 4-Runner now. Ree's quit McDs, waiting for her deployment to the Navy and basic training. Two of the three cars a done. All I will have left will be the Miata.
Well, received a email from Sgt. Jones. He has returned from Afghanistan and is in Maine. States he should be arriving in Gulfport about 5pm ... then on to Camp Shelby. Says he may need a favor.
I owe him so much. Sgt. Jones purchased the Nissan Armada for $10,000.00, $6,000.00 more than what the dealer wanted to give me as a trade-in.
August 2012, for the first time ever in my life ... I had a car repossessed. I wasn't home when it happened ... Ree was and it really upset her to watch the car get driven away.
I was juggling, shuffling the money around, just trying to pay enough to keep it from being repoed and keeping as much in the bank as possible. Well, I forgot to make a payment ... which made it 3 payments in the arrears. So, I had the money but now I have to pay for the towing and storage which equaled to a car note, $500.00. So I had to put out about $2000.00 to get the Nissan back.
Talked to 44 ... didn't get the support I was hoping. He became more frustrated with my back and forth ... let them keep it because I wasn't sure if I could keep up the payments for the last $8,000.00. Or, get it back because I had already invested too much into it. His response ... let them keep it.
Well, I got the truck back. Later, when I talked to him about it ... He stated that if I had the money to secure possession of the truck, then it was a no brainer, get it back. He stated that he knew I knew the answer and it frustrates him when the answer is so obvious.
Then the offer came from Sgt. Jones .... almost out of the blue. He rented the truck from me for one week for $1000.00 to go to TN to visit his sister. Later, upon his return, he said he had an offer. Later, he said much of his acquired property was divided up in his divorce. He was in need of a automobile; like the truck and asked if I really was interested in selling it. He was interested in buying it and at the cost I was asking.
Sgt. Jones, before leaving for his 9-month deployment to Afghanistan, handed me his bank card and told me to withdraw $600.00 on the 15th and 30th of every month. Keep the insurance, keep driving, and keep up the maintenance. By the time he returned the majority of the $10K will be settled.
I was honored at the trust Sgt. Jones had in me, a stranger. He trusted me not to plumage his account. I fear the Lord ... more than I feared Sgt. Jones. No way would I take such a blessing and disrespect it. Steal and violate a blessing that I would help me breathe.
I wasn't using the Armada anymore since my mom no longer lived with me. Isaac no longer lived with me. Ree drives the Toyota. The Armada was just sitting in the driveway with expensive comprehensive coverage. Costing $100.00 to fill-up.
Now, he's returned. I'm not what the balance is ... even if there is a balance. But its paid off. Paid off about 1 and half months ago.
Got the title in the mail a few weeks ago.
Thank you God for Sgt. Jones.
Update: Isaac has the 4-Runner now. Ree's quit McDs, waiting for her deployment to the Navy and basic training. Two of the three cars a done. All I will have left will be the Miata.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Friends' Prayers
He sleeps. 44 deploys today for 12 months in Afghanistan. Today, both of us begin a journey of awakening. In his 20 years of service, now he goes to war zone. In my 27, I think, years of parenting, I will be alone ... really alone for the first time since I had my first child. His wish for me is to discover me, be comfortable with me. I've gone back to my blog to begin journaling the next year. — at Fort Benning Army Base.
Nancy I love you, Yolanda & wishing you a lovely journey of the Awakening. Please send my best to 44.
Laci Send him off on a good note. And tell him to come home safe. As for you, welcome to the journey! You got this!
Judy praying for your friend to be safe and for you to be at peace.
Cindy Good luck on your journey !! I have faith that you can find the new you. I miss Ree so much just feel reasured that you did a wonderful job raising her and she will makes us proud.
@ Cindy just to find me. I don't know who she is. Left home when I was sixteen to escape my mother and have never looked back. Never ever feeling whole, always fragmented. Perhaps now with no one to care for but me ... I can become whole, and happy.
Laci Keep in touch and let me know how you're doing. No need to be scared. Pray, pray, pray. Sit yourself down and have a talk about what it is you want in life, what makes you happy and then make it happen. And never accept less than what you come up with. You deserve to be happy and live the life that you want. Hugs!!!!
Laci I will be praying for you! Keep me posted.
I will read your blog too. I'm running a lot right now, back and forth to the hospital, but one of these days I'll have more time.
Good luck on your journey! Make sure you enjoy it along the way.
I had somewhat of the same experience before I met Paul. I spent a lot of time crying before I realized I had to just go out there and make it happen. I was so unhappy then and I finally decided I had to figure out what I wanted in life and make it happen. It was not easy by any means but well worth it.
You have accomplished so much in life, this will just be another thing to add to your list.:-)
12:30-2pm Phone Interview!!!!
Wow God,
The best interview I ever had since I interviewed with Rob for FEMA's ADR Cadre.
Mr. Montgomery just listened, never interrupting, letting me tell my story, my experiences. I could hear his phone, perhaps an extension ringing ... him letting it ring. Wow ... I know he must of heard the trembling in my voice, attempting to hold back the tears.
He has ten positions to fill. God, in Jesus' Almighty Name, please put my name on one of them!
I wanted to be working before 44 left. I want to be working, gainfully employed, doing what I loved to do! by the time he returns.
God, I think Mr. Montgomery felt my journey from so long ago as a Head Start parent ... to FEMA's GS-13 ADR Advisor! I think maybe he even felt and understood the tiredness, the ache .. but also heard the survival, determination and the refusal to give up.
It only takes one touch of your finger Lord! Touch Lord ... if its Your Will .... its my desire ... write my name on the selection list!
The best interview I ever had since I interviewed with Rob for FEMA's ADR Cadre.
Mr. Montgomery just listened, never interrupting, letting me tell my story, my experiences. I could hear his phone, perhaps an extension ringing ... him letting it ring. Wow ... I know he must of heard the trembling in my voice, attempting to hold back the tears.
He has ten positions to fill. God, in Jesus' Almighty Name, please put my name on one of them!
I wanted to be working before 44 left. I want to be working, gainfully employed, doing what I loved to do! by the time he returns.
God, I think Mr. Montgomery felt my journey from so long ago as a Head Start parent ... to FEMA's GS-13 ADR Advisor! I think maybe he even felt and understood the tiredness, the ache .. but also heard the survival, determination and the refusal to give up.
It only takes one touch of your finger Lord! Touch Lord ... if its Your Will .... its my desire ... write my name on the selection list!
Take Me to the King
Tamela Martin sang my heart.
Please don't be mad when I say there are times when I feel like a just want to give up. Just stop trying to live. It hurts so bad.
How do I love anyone else more than myself? 44 saw this inside me. I put so much into others, the people that I love, and not as much into myself.
God,
I will be glad to see Ree leave. She continues break the strongholds that have me in bondage.
The pain of my mother binds me. The betrayal of my sister binds me. The struggles of my sons bind me.
Loneliness binds me.
God,
I am tired. I feel so weak. And as the song says I want to give up. My heart is torn in pieces. I know I have to make a change.
God,
I know 44 wants me to do this for me ... it can't be for anyone else. But I so want to please him and make him proud.
I think that's my mistake ... it has to be for me first ... I just don't feel that ... maybe that's the mindset that has to change.
God, I bringing me to you. Help me God. Help me God.
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart is torn in pieces
It's my offering
Take me to the King
Truth is I'm tired, options are few
I'm trying to pray, but where are you?
I'm all churched out, hurt and abused
I can't fake, what's left to do?
Truth is I'm weak, no strength to fight
No tears to cry even if I tried
But still my soul refuses to die
One touch will change my life
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn in pieces
It's my offering
Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And sing to You this song
Please take me to the King
Truth is, it's time to stop playing these games
We need a word for the people's pain
So Lord, speak right now, let it fall like rain
We're desperate, we're chasing after You
No rules, no religion
I've made my decision
To run to You
The healer that I need
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn to pieces
It's my offering
Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And to sing to You this song
Take me to the
Lord, we're in the way
We keep making mistakes
Glory is not for us
It's all for You
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn to pieces
It's my offering
Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And to sing to You this song
Take me to the King
Take me to the King
Take me to the King
Songwriter(s): Kirk Franklin
Copyright: Universal Music - Brentwood Benson Songs
Please don't be mad when I say there are times when I feel like a just want to give up. Just stop trying to live. It hurts so bad.
How do I love anyone else more than myself? 44 saw this inside me. I put so much into others, the people that I love, and not as much into myself.
God,
I will be glad to see Ree leave. She continues break the strongholds that have me in bondage.
The pain of my mother binds me. The betrayal of my sister binds me. The struggles of my sons bind me.
Loneliness binds me.
God,
I am tired. I feel so weak. And as the song says I want to give up. My heart is torn in pieces. I know I have to make a change.
God,
I know 44 wants me to do this for me ... it can't be for anyone else. But I so want to please him and make him proud.
I think that's my mistake ... it has to be for me first ... I just don't feel that ... maybe that's the mindset that has to change.
God, I bringing me to you. Help me God. Help me God.
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart is torn in pieces
It's my offering
Take me to the King
Truth is I'm tired, options are few
I'm trying to pray, but where are you?
I'm all churched out, hurt and abused
I can't fake, what's left to do?
Truth is I'm weak, no strength to fight
No tears to cry even if I tried
But still my soul refuses to die
One touch will change my life
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn in pieces
It's my offering
Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And sing to You this song
Please take me to the King
Truth is, it's time to stop playing these games
We need a word for the people's pain
So Lord, speak right now, let it fall like rain
We're desperate, we're chasing after You
No rules, no religion
I've made my decision
To run to You
The healer that I need
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn to pieces
It's my offering
Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And to sing to You this song
Take me to the
Lord, we're in the way
We keep making mistakes
Glory is not for us
It's all for You
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn to pieces
It's my offering
Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And to sing to You this song
Take me to the King
Take me to the King
Take me to the King
Songwriter(s): Kirk Franklin
Copyright: Universal Music - Brentwood Benson Songs
Job Hunting
Hi God,
He has an 18 hour flight before reaching Afghanistan. I think of him constantly.
I got to some how make peace with my past, with my mother, perhaps my sister ... and my children.
Ree will leaving soon ... August 5th to begin basic training with the United States Navy.
I can begin to sell off the furniture.
I've felt so lost, without direction, since the bike accident and the resulting loss of my employment with FEMA.
Yesterday, I interviewed with State of Texas Worker's Compensation Office.
Today I interview with FEMA Equal Rights Office.
June 26th: Associate Ombuds post with the University of Colorado at Boulder
June 21st: Student Ombudsman with Jackson Community College
May 29th: Interview with the Harris County Long-Term Care Ombudsman Program
King County Office of Dispute Resolution
Nevada State Long Term Care Ombudsman
June 20th: Associate Program Manager with the Key Bridge Foundation
May 8th: Disability Integration Advisor position with FEMS’s Disability Integration Advisor Reservist Cadre
TSA Ombudsman Office, Program Specialist GS-12
Sept. 10: Conflict Management Program and Operations Associate position with ADR Vantage
The list is longer: this is just a search in my email box.
The praises, God, is that I am interviewing which reflects my marketability.
God, I want to be back to work, being productive ... earning a living.
Living.
Love always,
Yo
He has an 18 hour flight before reaching Afghanistan. I think of him constantly.
I got to some how make peace with my past, with my mother, perhaps my sister ... and my children.
Ree will leaving soon ... August 5th to begin basic training with the United States Navy.
I can begin to sell off the furniture.
I've felt so lost, without direction, since the bike accident and the resulting loss of my employment with FEMA.
Yesterday, I interviewed with State of Texas Worker's Compensation Office.
Today I interview with FEMA Equal Rights Office.
June 26th: Associate Ombuds post with the University of Colorado at Boulder
June 21st: Student Ombudsman with Jackson Community College
May 29th: Interview with the Harris County Long-Term Care Ombudsman Program
King County Office of Dispute Resolution
Nevada State Long Term Care Ombudsman
June 20th: Associate Program Manager with the Key Bridge Foundation
May 8th: Disability Integration Advisor position with FEMS’s Disability Integration Advisor Reservist Cadre
TSA Ombudsman Office, Program Specialist GS-12
Sept. 10: Conflict Management Program and Operations Associate position with ADR Vantage
The list is longer: this is just a search in my email box.
The praises, God, is that I am interviewing which reflects my marketability.
God, I want to be back to work, being productive ... earning a living.
Living.
Love always,
Yo
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Phase 1 - My Journey Officially Starts Now
God
44 cell phone is off which means his journey has started. So, then does mines.
I can worry about him ... but it will be much better to pray and believe in the faith we both share that he will be okay.
Now, I can't call him or see him.
Now, the just me has begun.
I pray for me, Lord
I pray for me
Yo
44 cell phone is off which means his journey has started. So, then does mines.
I can worry about him ... but it will be much better to pray and believe in the faith we both share that he will be okay.
Now, I can't call him or see him.
Now, the just me has begun.
I pray for me, Lord
I pray for me
Yo
In and Out
God,
44 sounds like he really tries to be patient with my moods swings ... I don't even see them that way. I think about the events ... which seem so clear to me. A failure to communicate!
After 44 sent me home from Ft. Benning, it was the longest drive back to Mississippi. I was sick with grief to my stomach. Couldn't this have played out differently. Then it started all the alternative scenarios in my head. Why????
Why did he have me come to Georgia?
Why did he not want to make love to me before leaving on deployment?
Why did he allow me to touch him at all? (I can't go into this ... discretion)
Why didn't he tell me when I asked him while we were laying down that he wanted me to return home in the morning?
Why did he wait until I returned him to base @ 3am in the morning in a dark parking lot?
Why is he just telling me that its been over for him for months?
Why didn't I know how much our argument in Texas affected him? I would have made sure I returned (without Ree but I took her because she didn't need to be alone at the time ... she too had some of her own issues) to show him that day was only a day, not a snapshot of a lifetime.
Why didn't he tell me any of this?
So, is my reaction of confusion and desperateness enough to understand my "craziness"? To me it seems to be a normal reaction.
44 doesn't talk. He doesn't have anything to say. He has shut down and shut me out.
To me ... Like a car ... 44 got out of the car, the drivers seat, leaving the engine running, leaving it in drive, leaving me in the car .... and just letting it go to run out of gas ... to crash ... whatever ... he stopped caring.
He got maybe 15 text messages from me yesterday before noon. I deleted every one of them so I truly don't know how many I sent. This drives him to have a headache ... feels stress ... me flip/flopping. He sees me being emotionally unstable, a roller coaster ... constantly up and down. I say one thing and then do another.
My desperateness to get him to see it, to feel it ... how I see and feel it ... he couldn't do it ... maybe even wouldn't do it.
I went to him to send him off. Making love to him and him to me. Kissing his face and feeling every part of his body into my memory. To lay beside him and under him. To watch as he slept and pray over him. This I did do ... With a sincere heart.
It didn't play out that way at all. He had another agenda that blind-sided me and it didn't happen when he could have provided support to deal with his decision. But later, when he would be walking away from me .... as a last line of a book.
Why wouldn't I be emotionally swirling? Unstable? Confused? Hurt? In crisis .. wanting to save us, save me.
Does any of this relate back to my mother and lack of trust, the betrayal, and abandonment? I don't know ... but that the purpose of this next year.
I'm hoping 44 will keep in contact.
God, I place this situation, 44 and me, as always, in Your hands.
Yo
44 sounds like he really tries to be patient with my moods swings ... I don't even see them that way. I think about the events ... which seem so clear to me. A failure to communicate!
After 44 sent me home from Ft. Benning, it was the longest drive back to Mississippi. I was sick with grief to my stomach. Couldn't this have played out differently. Then it started all the alternative scenarios in my head. Why????
Why did he have me come to Georgia?
Why did he not want to make love to me before leaving on deployment?
Why did he allow me to touch him at all? (I can't go into this ... discretion)
Why didn't he tell me when I asked him while we were laying down that he wanted me to return home in the morning?
Why did he wait until I returned him to base @ 3am in the morning in a dark parking lot?
Why is he just telling me that its been over for him for months?
Why didn't I know how much our argument in Texas affected him? I would have made sure I returned (without Ree but I took her because she didn't need to be alone at the time ... she too had some of her own issues) to show him that day was only a day, not a snapshot of a lifetime.
Why didn't he tell me any of this?
So, is my reaction of confusion and desperateness enough to understand my "craziness"? To me it seems to be a normal reaction.
44 doesn't talk. He doesn't have anything to say. He has shut down and shut me out.
To me ... Like a car ... 44 got out of the car, the drivers seat, leaving the engine running, leaving it in drive, leaving me in the car .... and just letting it go to run out of gas ... to crash ... whatever ... he stopped caring.
He got maybe 15 text messages from me yesterday before noon. I deleted every one of them so I truly don't know how many I sent. This drives him to have a headache ... feels stress ... me flip/flopping. He sees me being emotionally unstable, a roller coaster ... constantly up and down. I say one thing and then do another.
My desperateness to get him to see it, to feel it ... how I see and feel it ... he couldn't do it ... maybe even wouldn't do it.
I went to him to send him off. Making love to him and him to me. Kissing his face and feeling every part of his body into my memory. To lay beside him and under him. To watch as he slept and pray over him. This I did do ... With a sincere heart.
It didn't play out that way at all. He had another agenda that blind-sided me and it didn't happen when he could have provided support to deal with his decision. But later, when he would be walking away from me .... as a last line of a book.
Why wouldn't I be emotionally swirling? Unstable? Confused? Hurt? In crisis .. wanting to save us, save me.
Does any of this relate back to my mother and lack of trust, the betrayal, and abandonment? I don't know ... but that the purpose of this next year.
I'm hoping 44 will keep in contact.
God, I place this situation, 44 and me, as always, in Your hands.
Yo
Finding Love ... Memories of a Monster: Joseph Lonesome, the Photographer
 |
| Who is she? |
Perhaps, finding love means to first start with examining and rediscovering who I am. Rediscovering ... I don't know if I ever discovered myself.
I am a product of an abusive and drug-use household where I watched my mother get her butt kicked, her body, her face black & blued. Never hating her for staying, but always felt responsible to her as a protector. Yet, so many times, she-the mother of two girls- put the man before her children.
Many times I reflect how did my sister and I get through without ever being molested by one of her boyfriends, that was always the new found Mr. Right. She would leave them in the house with us.
Joe Lonesome was the worst. He was a good looking man. Probably an charmer to women. A photographer. So many stories. Alter Street. Last year of elementary and maybe, one year of junior high. I remember hearing him tell her that they were the same ... She was no better than him ... she to suck his dick and he to lick her pussy ... that's was what they were good for. One day, my school bus was late and I could feel something was off in my spirit. Something kept me uneasy. I just decided to walk home. When I got there ... she was beaten up .. her face black and blue. I remember being angry; thinking, if I had only been home this never would have happened. One day, he turned that fury onto me. He decided he had enough of my rolling eyes, refusal to acknowledge him, the obvious contempt that I held for him. Went out one night with my cousin, cruising the neighborhood, but failed to tell anyone we were leaving the house. They called the police looking for us. Didn't know this until we returned home. Everyone was out looking for us except, Joseph Lonesome, the Photographer. I said some smart remark to him .... probably something like your not my father ... and he came after me with two leather belts with wrapped around the palm of his hand. He beat me with them. When my family and the police came back, I told them what happened. The next day, my mother told me not to say anything to the teachers about what happened the night before. One day, my mother took me to a government building in Towson. As we sat in the room, she told me to tell them that nothing happened that evening and if I said anything different it could get Joseph Lonesome, the Photographer in trouble. I did as she requested. She made her choice. She kept making that same choice over and over again. Next, Westerlee Apartments. They were pulled over and he had drugs in her car. They were both arrested and charged. Later, I would find out that my grandparents put up their home as collateral for her bond. Returning home after school, my sister and I came home to an apartment that had no mom. She had packed her things, left her children without a good-bye and the apartment and skipped bail with Joseph Lonesome, the Photographer. Her parents had to pack up her apartment which was stored in their basement ... which then became a storage room instead of the usual recreation room. I had to hear complaints from my then teenage aunt, Crystal, my mother's sibling, that my mother abandoned my sister and me, without any contributing support, that my grandparents are having to struggle and sacrifice to care for us providing food and shelter. I don't remember ever getting any new clothes ... I guess just the ones I brought from the apartment. With the help of a police detective, my mom was convinced to return home so my grandparents wouldn't lose their home. He got her arrest records, mug shots, finger prints removed from the system. How's that for second chances. But it proved for naught. Joseph Lonesome showed back up during my college years. This time when he beat her butt, she called my boyfriend, Audie Haskins, to told him. Audie was an extremely large pitbull type of guy. I met him when my girlfriend and I cut school and went to Druid Hill Park, probably to smoke ... I don't know now. But he had a blue Mark IV, I think, Continental with wide white rims and chrome siding. It was pretty, always clean and shiny. What I didn't know what that Audi had just got out of jail ... don't remember for what....much later in life I heard Audi was gunned down on a city corner ...Audi came over to defend my mother and beat Joseph Lonesome's butt with a baseball bat. She never heard from Joseph Lonesome, the Photographer again.
Where is the model for love in this story? What of trust?
My blog is taking a turn in my journey. Finding love may be more now about finding about how to love me. Thank you 44.
God please grant me the ability to discern and understand.
Love always,
Yo
Monday, July 8, 2013
FINDING LOVE
God,
I really don't understand ... what, if anything, I did wrong. Came to Ft. Benning to see him off on his deployment to Afghanistan and I leave no longer in this relationship.
I, so desperately, and maybe that's it ... I was so desperate for love that I wanted this more than breath. He a good man. Any woman would want him to be in love with her.
He has said that no woman has ever cared for him better.
He says I'm in and out and that causes him stress. What is in and out? He makes me sound bipolar!
God, please protect him, keep him, place a hedge of protection around him. Let him return safely home whole ... mind, body and spirit.
God, I found love but love didn't find me. Or did it and I can't recognize love for the damage inside me.
I'm going to miss him so much Lord. Please, please heal my heart.
Thank you Ms. Mann for the song Heaven: It speaks to how I feel about 44. I LOVE YOU 44
Lyrics: (Click anywhere above to listen) Every-time I look at you I feel something brand new it's real I can feel it all over me chemistry is off the chain, you send fire through me when you call my name has me looking forward to the next time we will go out and hang something magical happens every-time I'm lying in your arms the feeling that it gives me can weather any storm lying next to you relaxes me makes me feel so complete, yeah no other place I would rather be than here with you just, your skin touches mine and to me your one of a kind I believe my search was over when you became mine something magical happens every-time I'm lying in your arms the feeling that it gives me can weather any storm Vamp: it feels like heaven when you with me it feels like heaven when you smile and it feels like heavens right here on earth for me ohhhhhh Heaven when you with me it feels like Heaven when you're smiling it feels like heavens right here on earth for me ohhhhh something magical happens when lying in your arms the feeling that it gives me can weather any storm I LOVE YOU David
Your daughter,
Yo
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