In and Out

God,

44 sounds like he really tries to be patient with my moods swings ... I don't even see them that way. I think about the events ... which seem so clear to me. A failure to communicate!

After 44 sent me home from Ft. Benning, it was the longest drive back to Mississippi. I was sick with grief to my stomach. Couldn't this have played out differently. Then it started all the alternative scenarios in my head. Why????

Why did he have me come to Georgia?
Why did he not want to make love to me before leaving on deployment?
Why did he allow me to touch him at all? (I can't go into this ... discretion)
Why didn't he tell me when I asked him while we were laying down that he wanted me to return home in the morning?
Why did he wait until I returned him to base @ 3am in the morning in a dark parking lot?
Why is he just telling me that its been over for him for months?
Why didn't I know how much our argument in Texas affected him? I would have made sure I returned (without Ree but I took her because she didn't need to be alone at the time ... she too had some of her own issues) to show him that day was only a day, not a snapshot of a lifetime.
Why didn't he tell me any of this?

So, is my reaction of confusion and desperateness enough to understand my "craziness"? To me it seems to be a normal reaction.

44 doesn't talk. He doesn't have anything to say. He has shut down and shut me out.

To me ... Like a car ... 44 got out of the car, the drivers seat, leaving the engine running, leaving it in drive, leaving me in the car .... and just letting it go to run out of gas ... to crash ... whatever ... he stopped caring.

He got maybe 15 text messages from me yesterday before noon. I deleted every one of them so I truly don't know how many I sent. This drives him to have a headache ... feels stress ... me flip/flopping. He sees me being emotionally unstable, a roller coaster ... constantly up and down. I say one thing and then do another.

My desperateness to get him to see it, to feel it ... how I see and feel it ... he couldn't do it ... maybe even wouldn't do it.

 I went to him to send him off. Making love to him and him to me. Kissing his face and feeling every part of his body into my memory. To lay beside him and under him. To watch as he slept and pray over him. This I did do ... With a sincere heart.

It didn't play out that way at all. He had another agenda that blind-sided me and it didn't happen when he could have provided support to deal with his decision. But later, when he would be walking away from me .... as a last line of a book.

Why wouldn't I be emotionally swirling? Unstable? Confused? Hurt? In crisis .. wanting to save us, save me.

Does any of this relate back to my mother and lack of trust, the betrayal, and abandonment? I don't know ... but that the purpose of this next year.

I'm hoping 44 will keep in contact.

God, I place this situation, 44 and me, as always, in Your hands.

Yo