Hi God,
I saw him today. He was at the other end of the block and I was walking towards that direction. He stopped and looked. Readjusted his stance, and looked again. Is that her? That's what it felt like. I didn't say anything. I could have confirmed that yes its me! But, no I couldn't. He hasn't called at all.
I feel sick to my stomach over Swoop.
I don't know why.
Love please
Geez my chest is so full, tight ...like I'm holding it all in. My stomache hurts. No appetitie. I'm sad. I'm crying, tearing.
I've been blocking and unblocking your number throughout the day.
I don't even know you, nothing about you ... So, I'm sure God that perhaps it was a chance meeting, that was like tumbleweed, rolling along fast. Was it to teach me something? Show me something?
All I have is the back story.
Going to work ... I'm back in DC. Left Atlanta in Sept. Riding the Metro ... my card wasn't working. I knew I had money on it. The employee was coming to help, and this tall, really tall, dark and handsome man said ... I'll help her. I am personally going to walk you to your building.
The next time I saw you .... you were taking me to lunch?? I don't remember .... What I do remember is meeting you in the lobby. I was waiting with my back to door. You came up behind me, hugged me around the waist. I cupped your hands. I'm sure I had the biggest surprise smile on my face. "Hi Dear, How's your day going? Kids got off to school ok? Then you turned me around to face you and you kissed me ... the way two people in love kiss each other.
It was perfect. Spontaneously perfect. Peanut butter and jelly. Then it wasn't.
You made plans. I'll come get you on Thursday. You didn't. Later, explaining your Mom fell and needed to go to the hospital. Family always first.
To make it up, the next time we saw each other at work ... you drove me home, stopped for an early dinner, then to the house. We kissed on the street, horns blews, whistlers celebrated our public display of affection.You came in, walked around, looked at the projects, the work that needed to be done. You could help me with this, help me save some money ... that's what you said.
You felt so comfortable, so safe. I don't know why I trusted it, you, so quickly.
You talked about coming to ATL. I offered the invitation. You didn't come.
Later, a phone call that you were in Paris for work.
Later, I met you for a brief lunch ... I had a meeting. I briefly kissed you. That's the last time.
I call. I text. I whatsapp. Nothing.
You email me from your work email that your in Israel, be back Friday.
Speak to you Saturday. We'll talk tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow
Sunday, I text you. You text, I'll call you in 5 min. No call. No show.
Three times you were no call, no show. The third time, no apology.
It's Tuesday morning @ 1am, why is this foolishness on my brain? Why is it keeping me up?
This is What I Think:
5 years after Sean, I miss being a wife, a companion to my husband. Swoop moved so quickly around me, grab me up and held me close. It was the first time I felt part of a union again. Until I wasn't.
There's a feeling of abandonment. Being discarded. Disposable. I don't know you to credit you with all of this. There has to be some unresolved issues from my marriage, my childhood ... I don't know.
What I do know is that I always want to be honest. I want the best my God has to offer.You have not demonstrated that you are. But, I feel you are and that I'm getting it all wrong. Then, that's me not wanting to believe what I have already experienced.
I'm surprised because he's a youth coach, girls basketball, football. He's a father to both a son and a daughter. You've been, or are, a husband.
The red flags are there and I'm better off for it. Perhaps this opened my eyes is to how vulnerable I am.
God continue to watch over me please,
Love always, Yo
Hi God,
Its not like I didn't have anything to write ... just doesn't feel the same to know that Sean could possibly be reading my entries. Feels invasive .... Like I have to watch what or how I write.
Love you always, Yo
Good evening God,
God, I want thank you for your grace and mercy. Going home to my husband, and having it feel like home. Being in bed with him, under him, his arms around me as we slept. Home.
Thank you, and take nothing of yours for granted.
In Jesus name,
Yo
God,
I have known the security of arms that surrounded me with strength, providing me an enveloping sense of comfort and safety. I could sleep, slumber next to him.
I know how every worry can be made into peace laying together holding each other, walking and holding of hands, in the car holding hands or resting on him somewhere, his on my thigh, and gentle kisses that says I'm here ... right in front of you. I got you.
I got you. The words whether man or woman ... is what we desire and long for.
It's unconditional and steadfast. At least, that's what I believed and trusted.
When its no longer there ... it leaves a void, an emptiness, a pain, a disbelief. My body goes into withdrawal; it feels him missing.
God,
My prayer is that you heal me. There's no greater love than yours. It's kind, gentle, sensual, honest, unconditional; it's all.
I am so grateful knowing that your love will never forsake me.
Your love never hurts, gives pain, or betrays.
God, Your Word says there no greater gift than love.
God, bless me a steadfast, uncompromising, unconditional - love like yours.
New Garments
TODAY'S SCRIPTURE:
"Provide for those who grieve…a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."
Isaiah 61:3, NIV
TODAY'S WORD:
Do you need a new garment today? Not a new physical garment, but what's covering your mind and emotions. Are you clothed with despair and disappointment? Are you wearing “heaviness?” If you’ve gone through a hurtful situation, the Bible says there is a time to grieve, and it’s important to release that hurt to the Lord. But the Bible also tells us that God wants to give you a garment of praise instead of a spirit of heaviness and despair.
Are the garments of yesterday weighing you down and holding you back? It’s time for a new garment. The garment of praise is light and filled with peace and joy. Don’t carry those heavy burdens around anymore. Choose to forgive those who have hurt you and praise God for what He’s doing in your life today. Thank Him for restoring you, even if you don’t see it yet. Just like this verse says, you will be as strong and secure as a tall oak tree, displaying His splendor all the days of your life!
PRAYER FOR TODAY:
"Heavenly Father, I come to You today and ask that You take off my old, heavy garments of despair and heaviness. Make me new today. Give me a garment of praise so that I can display Your glory and splendor in Jesus’ name. Amen."
Praise God! Have a blessed day!❤️
In Jesus name,
Amen, Yo
“Why think separately of this life than the next, when one is born from the last? Time is always too short for those who need it, but for those who love, it lasts forever.”
Good morning God,
It's 12:02am, awake and unable to sleep as has been a condition since my mom's transition.
A couple of weeks ago, I received a text from my husband. "Undoubtedly you are seeing someone." What the heck are you talking about I replied.
I tried calling him twice. No answer. I sent a text. Tried calling.
Sean sends another text. Not remembering it all, except ... "....so I can get rid of you and you can get rid of me ..." Who sends such a text?
I've stopped saving Sean's texts.
Reminds me of when he sent the divorce papers, my name misspelled, as a response to my not signing the refinance paperwork.
When I did speak to Sean, I reiterated that I had not asked or prayed to "get rid of him." It was my hope that he would remember why he married me. I did remind and promise him if God saw fit to dissolve this marriage, I would be obedient.
I will continue to be a good wife till then. In my obedience, I hope to be blessed with a husband that loves me, protects me, teaches me, and provides for me.
Surely, if and when that prayer of happiness is answered, I promise Sean will the first call I make.
From my heart to God's ear,
Yo
Good morning, God!
Father God, thank You so much for every shut door that You did not allow me to reopen and for all of the open doors that You blessed me to go through. Amen
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21
“Consider when God closed that door, He knew you deserved so much more.” Doors open and doors shut in life. There have been times in my life when I stepped up to a door excited about the possibilities of what was on the other side. All was good until I stepped back outside the door. Suddenly, it shut behind me and there was no reopening it. That surprised me because I was sure this was the right move. I did not understand what was happening. Before I was knowledgeable enough in the Word, I would get frustrated because I was pretty sure this idea, vision, thought or dream was from God. He is not a cruel God who blesses us and then snatches it from us. I have heard people say they were given things and then the giver either threw it up in your face repeatedly until you just returned it, or they asked for it back.
That is so not how God blesses us. He wants to bless us with good. He wants to prosper us. He wants us to be happy and at peace and He wants it to all be permanent. If a door opens and then shuts, it may just be that the timing is off or you are just not in the place God needs you to be to go through that door. Yes, it hurts when that open door you have been waiting on shuts but here is the deal. Never look at it as a bad thing.
Thank God that I have someone who can see beyond the natural and knows what is good and not good for me because for me, those shut doors were right on point. They should have been shut. Amen!
Have a blessed day!❤️
I love you always, Yo
