Abandoned

Hi God,

44 is back from Saudi. Things just feel the same .... shouldn't there be some excitement, some anticipation about seeing the other. I don't get that from him.

Yesterday we went on our first bike ride since his return. Without telling me, he invited another soldier to ride. Normally I wouldn't have minded but this was my time with him since his return. Secondly, the soldier didn't bring his girlfriend with him.

When I got off of work yesterday, noticed 44 had called several times and left a message for me to return his call. When I did, he said he was on his way to track. Not okay, I'm ready to leave for the track was waiting to hear from you .... Perhaps, because he already had plans on riding with or without me.

I really consider my time with him riding as being very special. I just don't think we're on the same page. I try to anticipate when it comes to him. Is there anything that I could do to assist with .... and not anything specific ... just whatever.

Yesterday, it felt more like he was riding with the soldier than with me ... it was different. The soldier kept riding ahead, then 44 would leave me to catch up with him. He crossed intersection, where before he would wait. Then why didn't they just ride??? Because I asked 44 to ride was that why I was along???

The telling point ... 44 asked why I was riding so slow ... "You're killing me." I did tell him I know my way back. Perhaps I should have told him how I felt about the guest. I said to him that when I'm feeling like I am riding by myself ... then you can't be slow. His reply, "I gotcha." and rode off, leaving me at mile marker 8. He left me on the trail to go catch up with the soldier who rode off with a group of riders that were going more his speed. I was glad to see him go. 44 followed behind shortly after. Slap me in the face.

Remembering I had 44 keys with me ... I knew he would be waiting. What I didn't anticipate was the soldier would still be there! WTF!!! Whatever. Perhaps that says it all.

I don't feel like a couple. He doesn't involve me in the stuff of his life. He'll talk about his past. It will be a year ... never invited me home with him, I am almost sure that he hasn't spoke of me to his family. He hasn't made that commitment to me on any level ... not expressed to me.

Him leaving me on the trail ... left me feeling abandoned, alone.