Were We Ever a Team

God,

As I was watching "Marrying the Game" one of the women made the comment, "When there's conflict it seems to me there should be more communication not less."

44 is still very much in my thoughts. I found myself crying today at the register.

It stills baffles ... putting it mildly ... its more like turmoil in my head and body ... me why he had me come to Ft. Benning. I don't understand. I told him that I needed/wanted/should see him before he leaving for Afghanistan, to touch him before he left, to kiss his face, love on him as a woman in love with her man should... He understood why I was coming. He understood what he means to me ...

“Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.” Lao Tzu

For two people who believe in honor and integrity, trust, monogamy. But not with me??? My body has only known him, for good and bad. I thought we were a work in progress. Me learning his body. No toys ... I wanted him. Waiting for Ree to leave for her journey, me on mines to get back to work, he on his to prepare for retirement, finish his education, prepare for possible promotion, getting his credit/debt together.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Lao Tzu

Men have a saying ... I heard it on "The Game" the best way for a man to get over one woman is to get under another one.  I want to be in love, just as I am in love with 44. And I want him to be in love with me with the same desire, intensity and commitment.

No matter how crazy I get, He will accept me for me. There's will be no other in my mind, my body, my spirit.

He stepped away when he left Texas without saying anything.

Help me God

Yo

I Admit It!

God,

I do miss her so much. It feels like she is in her room like always, with the door shut ... tv on, ipad mini on, and her ... on her iPhone.

I wonder what her day was like today.

We have never gone a day without talking with each other.

44 was right ... no matter what I should have never called her outside of her name. Even though I know in my heart that he was wrong in that it could destroy or impact her perception of herself or self-esteem ... she's too mean and ornery for that -- that meanness and orneriness is what I was calling out -- her conduct, her interaction at times with me. Right now, I do have regret.

In my heart, I know that my daughter's love for me is unconditional. In my heart, I know that my daughter knows that my love for her is unconditional. She knows that there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. I know there's nothing she wouldn't ask.

I do miss her but would not want anything else for her ... I am proud of her.

Thank you God

Shutting It Down - It's All For Sale

Hi God,

Now, it the tedious stuff: furniture and stuff.

FB Garage Sale!

44's voice is in my head. Everything is replaceable.

So, I'm only keeping the items most important to me: artwork, photos ...

Maybe Ree's bed ... most comfortable ...

Starting to say good-bye to people ... I need to stop with the crying ... I still hear Ree and 44 fussing that I need to toughen up!

Thank you God

Phase I, II & III - God's Plan

Hi God,

Today, has been a culmination of many targeted accomplishments.

First night as a single-parent of all adult children ... am I still considered a single-parent? From the time of our arrival to Mississippi, I knew that one day we would leave once Ree graduated. I heard a saying: If you have a story to tell; then you have a testimony to share. Or if you have a testimony of God's grace and mercy, then you have a story to tell. Not sure which way it goes but sure the gist of it understood.

The house with the $1500/month note was the first to go last August 2012. Not the way I thought ... by conventional sale ... and not by foreclosure ... but by deed-in-lieu ... considering the water damage, and possible mold .... I would have never been able to sell that house without taking a considerable loss. Couldn't get it refinanced because the funds incorporated Katrina Funds. ... Today, the house is still on the market for $96,600.00 ... $100,000.00 less than what I paid for it ... And it has not moved, not an offer! God's plan is not my plan ....

The Armada sold yesterday. $10,000.00. About 46,000 miles when purchased; 118,000 today. The dealership only wanted to give me $6000.00 or less as a trade-in. Fair enough ... A soldier from Texas while in Afghanistan made monthly payments and final payment once he returned home. A little drama when he arrived ... but all calm now ... went to the Tax Office ... turned in my tag ... He got his tag ... He needed a car and I had one that was draining me even as it sat in the driveway. Why do I need to drive an 8-passenger, 8-cylinder, $500.00 note and $100.00 fill-up? Done. Armada sold. God's plans is not my plan ...

My last child leaves home ... Scholarships ... Awards ... ROTC National Scholarship .... Air Force Academy Candidate ... Plan A, Plan B .... but not her plans. She has joined the military ... the United States Navy ... never saw this coming ... Last child leaves home on her own with a plan. Done. Children raised and have moved on with their own lives ... for good or bad. God's plan is not my plan ....

Dori finding his feet. Starting with a job and his own place.

Ike finding his feet. Starting with a job and his own place.

Sini, as they all do, needs continuous prayers.

And lastly, but at the top of the list, I have fallen in love with a real man. He's a soldier, a father, a son, a brother, an uncle, and a man of God. He, too, has left for what he needs to do; protect our country. He's in Afghanistan for 12 months. While he's gone. I will not be distracted by the status of our relationship. Instead, I will pray for his safe return. Meanwhile, work on being the woman that will make any man proud to call his wife.

God's plan for me ... I can't even guess .... I've given notice to the landlord ... Will give notice to both employers by next Friday....

My plan ... to relocate to West Virginia .... and continue to look for work ... If work has not found me by months end.

Thank you God for Your Plans!!! It is all working out.

Yo

PS:

Dorian, Shelly, Charisma and 3 others like this.

Laci  Best of luck to you Yolanda. Let the journey begin. Keep in touch.

 

Yolanda @Laci, I'll be peeking at Carson! and you :)

 

Edyth Seems like you are making progress. Best of luck always!

 

Elaine Best of luck. God has great plans for you.

 

Glenda  Aww,I wish you only the best my friend, you deserve it. I am sure God well lead you to a place where he has the greatest of plans for you. I love you and will miss you.

She's Leaves Today

God,

My daughter leaves today to become part of the United States Military. How proud I am.

So different from me ... So much stronger .... So much wiser. She will have a much happier and fulfilling life.

My stomach is in knots. I feel nauseous.

Take care of her God. I give her back to you.

You are all either of us could ever depend on ...

Always,
Yo

Huffington Post - Sharing Body Heat - Noteworthy

Dear God,

When I read the words "fairytale", and begin to read this article ... it spoke to my heart the kind of love I desired. God, you said you will give us, give me, the desires of my heart ... the kind of love this couple shared, the depth of their love and desire for each other ... Care for each other ... In sickness and in health.

"I crawled into ... bed and wrapped my body around his. If I could only get close enough to make the last hour, the last months, disappear. I hugged him tightly, desperately. I wailed his name and listened to his silence, remembering his murmurs, his words of love. I nuzzled my face into his neck as I had many times before, .... warmth ... "I love you, sweetheart," ... kiss on the top of my head, ... strong arms pulling me into him. I covered his thigh with mine, snaking my arm under his pajama top so that I could stroke the chest hair I had first touched years before."

My last night with 44, laying beside him, wrapping his strong arm over and around me. Kissing his hand, his face while he sleeps. Listening to his breaths, nudging him when the pause too long between. I want him well. Praying over him for God to take care of him while in Afghanistan, keep him well, bring him back whole. I want him to be think of me. I wish he has thoughts of me. I can't get him out of my mind. I think of him everyday.

I feel like a part of me is slowly dying. He didn't care about my dreams. He didn't care about my heart. How did I fall in love with a man that didn't care ...

You can't chose who you love, only how you love ...

Love you always,
Yo

Phase III - Moving Forward

God,

Contacted my girlfriend from FEMA, she's retired Air Force. She left here about a year ago. She always offered a place to stay if needed. Mississippi is a lonely and unhappy place for me. I'm going to take her up on it. I've given notice to the landlord. Will leave at the end of the month for West Virginia. Morgantown area. Thanks for being an ear. Thanks for being a friend. I will keep in touch.

• Vanessa, Joy, Judy and 9 others like this.
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  Divita  Okay

   
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  Tonia Hey Yo.....give me a call...... Jackie

   
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  Tonia May God bless you and keep you in HIS care always May he give you the desires of your heart, peace.

   
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  Edyth  Love and good luck to you always, lovely lady!

   
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  Yolanda It strengthens my spirit to be surrounded with so much love from so many beautiful women ... you've been and become my support and family! I love all of you. Continue to pray for me.

   
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  Sharon  Wishing you the best.you are closer to home now.

   
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  Yolanda Home? In the hearts of friends and my children , not a building or place. Ree ships out Monday. She's been my home, my anchor.

   
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  Elaine Good luck. Gonna miss you. Love you

   
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  Yolanda  Love me! Thank you.

   
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  Vanessa  Good luck Yolanda!

   
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  Yolanda Thanks Nessa!

   

Continue to watch over the people that I love and place a hedge of protection around them. Thank you for keeping me.

Love you always,
Yo