As I was watching tv and surfing, half listening, the character - JJ, reaching out to a serial killer over the radio. The words resonated with me ... What a mom is suppose to be, suppose to do...
I missed, miss even now at 52, not having a mom. Someone that you could just tell anything, pains, hopes, dreams, wishes ... a protector, provider, nurturer, caregiver, advisor.
I may not have been afraid of her, but I was always afraid of becoming her. Being like her. Passing that "like" on to my daughter.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [voiceover] A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another, the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But, if these minds get out of harmony with one another, it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden. -The Buddha
"...but I am a mother.
I know ... it's just not fair.
And no one can make that better,
I wish I could, I do,
But if I could somehow go back there, you know,
And make what was happening to you stop,
I could just pick you up and just tell you it'll all be okay.
That's what moms are supposed to do.
They're not supposed to be the cause of your pain,
They're supposed to make it go away.
They're supposed to hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright.
They're supposed to tell you that thunder is angels bowling.
And that it's okay to be afraid of the dark, and it isn't silly to think there might be monsters in your closet.
And that it's okay if you want to climb into bed with them just this once because it's scary in the room all alone...
They're supposed to say it's okay to be afraid,
And not be the thing you're afraid of.
But most importantly, they're supposed to love you no matter what."
June Cleaver, Florida Evans, are the first two moms that come to mind. Unconditionally love.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Thomas A. Kempis
Love feels no burden,
thinks nothing of trouble,
attempts what is above its strength,
pleads no excuse of impossibility...
It is therefore able to undertake all things,
and it completes many things,
and warrants them to take effect,
where he who does not love would faint and lie down.
Love is watchful and sleeping, slumbereth not.
Though weary, it is not tired;
though pressed, it is not straitened;
though alarmed, it is not confounded...
- Thomas A. Kempis -
thinks nothing of trouble,
attempts what is above its strength,
pleads no excuse of impossibility...
It is therefore able to undertake all things,
and it completes many things,
and warrants them to take effect,
where he who does not love would faint and lie down.
Love is watchful and sleeping, slumbereth not.
Though weary, it is not tired;
though pressed, it is not straitened;
though alarmed, it is not confounded...
- Thomas A. Kempis -
Monday, July 29, 2013
She'll Soar!
God,
There are so many things I am very thankful. I thank you for a daughter who has overcome many of my strongholds.
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She'll be leaving for the military in less than 10 days.
She has the spirit of adventure!
She has the spirit of independence!
She is beautiful, smart and sexy! All three equal in value.
My princess. A godly vessel. Honor your body. You are royalty. A daughter of the Most High.
My dreamer. She wanted, I wanted, her to have her passport early. Her pass to the world, the entire world.
My scholar. Honor Society. Banner Society.
I love her so much God. Thank you for her. Protect her. Be in her dreams.
I give her back to you. I am proud to give her back to you.
Always,
Yo
There are so many things I am very thankful. I thank you for a daughter who has overcome many of my strongholds.
She'll be leaving for the military in less than 10 days.
She has the spirit of adventure!
She has the spirit of independence!
She is beautiful, smart and sexy! All three equal in value.
My princess. A godly vessel. Honor your body. You are royalty. A daughter of the Most High.
My dreamer. She wanted, I wanted, her to have her passport early. Her pass to the world, the entire world.
My scholar. Honor Society. Banner Society.
I love her so much God. Thank you for her. Protect her. Be in her dreams.
I give her back to you. I am proud to give her back to you.
Always,
Yo
Damages .... Broken Spirit ... Looking for Acceptance
God,
There's been so much ... I feel so broken on so many levels.
Me, her mother, at the same age. Beautiful, smart and sexy!
Value most: sexy, beautiful ... smart last.
Lost my virginity @ 13. While my mother was in California when she jumped bond with the photographer. The same man that whipped me with two belts. She protected him over me. She chose him over me.
Smoked marijuana given to me by my mother. Safer source/supplier she said ... Better I give it to you than getting off the street.
My sister and I shared a room. Remember us fighting over the telephone. My mother coming upstairs ... not to break it up but to cheer her on. "Get her Divita. Whip her ass."
What kind of mom does this?
Graduated from high school @ 16 years old. Left for an out-of-state college fast and in a hurry.
My freshmen year, 16 years old. Pregnant. He wanted to marry me. Abortion. He left college.
18 years old. My junior year. Cheerleader. Captain of JV Squad. Abducted from campus with two other members. One raped and murdered. My mother a media hound.
Left college. Capital murder trial. Death penalty.
Back home with my mother.
Dating a man in his thirties. A mailman. Drove a corvette. My mom moved him into the house. Never had a home. He became her roomer. I became available. Pregnant. Didn't tell him. Secret abortion, secret to him ... she knew ... they all knew. He loved me and would have wanted to marry me. Didn't want to marry an old man. What I remember most about him: the stuff he used in his hair smelled musty. He wore dentures. Never saw them. Never saw him without them. He probably needs a post to himself. Moved out. Back to college campus. He moved out and got his own apartment.
Introduced by his best-friend's wife, suppose to be my best-friend, in her thirties, educator, Masters Degree, to one of her friends ... a drug-dealer in his thirties... A car. An apartment. Clothes. White Flint. Macy's. Neiman-Marcus. Jazz. Georgetown. Pregnant. Abortion. Pregnant. A son. Beaten. Battered. Abused. Exploited. Moved back in with my mother. He told me one day ... She said to him ... If want to continue to have access to her ... you'll have to pay me ....
Money, drugs, sex... what she valued most. This was my role-model of a virtuous woman ... Who was praying for me?
All before I was 25 years old.
Not my daughter. I protect her. Telling her how special she is. How smart she is. You always have choices. You never have to do anything you don't want to do.
Be empowered.
Be smart.
Be self-determined.
Have honor.
Have integrity.
Your word is your bond.
Be authentic.
Trust God in All things.
Most of all, my daughter knows that her mom loves her. Loves her so much it is my breath of life.
God, I beg you, cleanse my mind ... I know you've forgiven me ... just like the woman at the well. My body is your temple and you reside in me today. I can't erase my past. Not another day ... shall it block me from the future you have for me. I have to forgive me.
There's been so much ... I feel so broken on so many levels.
Me, her mother, at the same age. Beautiful, smart and sexy!
Value most: sexy, beautiful ... smart last.
Lost my virginity @ 13. While my mother was in California when she jumped bond with the photographer. The same man that whipped me with two belts. She protected him over me. She chose him over me.
Smoked marijuana given to me by my mother. Safer source/supplier she said ... Better I give it to you than getting off the street.
My sister and I shared a room. Remember us fighting over the telephone. My mother coming upstairs ... not to break it up but to cheer her on. "Get her Divita. Whip her ass."
What kind of mom does this?
Graduated from high school @ 16 years old. Left for an out-of-state college fast and in a hurry.
My freshmen year, 16 years old. Pregnant. He wanted to marry me. Abortion. He left college.
18 years old. My junior year. Cheerleader. Captain of JV Squad. Abducted from campus with two other members. One raped and murdered. My mother a media hound.
Left college. Capital murder trial. Death penalty.
Back home with my mother.
Dating a man in his thirties. A mailman. Drove a corvette. My mom moved him into the house. Never had a home. He became her roomer. I became available. Pregnant. Didn't tell him. Secret abortion, secret to him ... she knew ... they all knew. He loved me and would have wanted to marry me. Didn't want to marry an old man. What I remember most about him: the stuff he used in his hair smelled musty. He wore dentures. Never saw them. Never saw him without them. He probably needs a post to himself. Moved out. Back to college campus. He moved out and got his own apartment.
Introduced by his best-friend's wife, suppose to be my best-friend, in her thirties, educator, Masters Degree, to one of her friends ... a drug-dealer in his thirties... A car. An apartment. Clothes. White Flint. Macy's. Neiman-Marcus. Jazz. Georgetown. Pregnant. Abortion. Pregnant. A son. Beaten. Battered. Abused. Exploited. Moved back in with my mother. He told me one day ... She said to him ... If want to continue to have access to her ... you'll have to pay me ....
Money, drugs, sex... what she valued most. This was my role-model of a virtuous woman ... Who was praying for me?
All before I was 25 years old.
Not my daughter. I protect her. Telling her how special she is. How smart she is. You always have choices. You never have to do anything you don't want to do.
Be empowered.
Be smart.
Be self-determined.
Have honor.
Have integrity.
Your word is your bond.
Be authentic.
Trust God in All things.
Most of all, my daughter knows that her mom loves her. Loves her so much it is my breath of life.
God, I beg you, cleanse my mind ... I know you've forgiven me ... just like the woman at the well. My body is your temple and you reside in me today. I can't erase my past. Not another day ... shall it block me from the future you have for me. I have to forgive me.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Let's Go to the Beach! At nite.
We all are moving forward ... Each our separate way. Yet, there's a bond holding us together.
As I hold her hand in spirit, she will hold their hands in spirit. They will be holding her hand and they will be holding mines.
Me, to start my journey as a single, sexy, smart and vibrant woman.
These three young ladies, now young women: on to the Navy, community college and HBCU.
I hope their bond will last forever.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Ringing the Hell Out of My Phone!
God,
What is up with this????? Sgt. Jones ... a business proposition ... a business arrangement!
9-Months of $1200.00 payments to cover the sale cost of the Armada and insurance.
Since his arrival, there's has been a message every nite with a request for a return call ... "Need to talk with you. It's important."
With each day, more and more calls. I made the mistake of calling from the MajicJack number. Now, calls on both numbers! Glad I never gave him my cell. Calling from one number to the next. If there's no answer on the landline ... why call the MJ? If you've left a message ... why are you calling and hanging up? CALLER ID!!!!
Tried talking with him today. Did I get your call? Yes! Well, two-star General told him to be off base by the end of the day! Well, Sgt. Jones pissed somebody off. Says he doesn't have any money. Why not? Didn't make arrangements for a room? No plans. No place to stay.
I can't help him. I can't. I am feeling stressed. Pressured. Squeezed. Why??? My arrangement with him. 9-months. December, January, February, March, April, May, June, July and August! It's only July.
Not interested in spending any time. Not interested in dinner. Not interested. He came back early. He should have gone home and come back for the truck. $1800.00 payments left.
Sgt. Jones can wait around until Ree leaves on the 5th or he can come back. Just don't make your emergency, my emergency.
Then, he tells me step back ... act like I got some brains. I'm done. Good-bye. Sgt. Jones.
Peace,
Yo
What is up with this????? Sgt. Jones ... a business proposition ... a business arrangement!
9-Months of $1200.00 payments to cover the sale cost of the Armada and insurance.
Since his arrival, there's has been a message every nite with a request for a return call ... "Need to talk with you. It's important."
With each day, more and more calls. I made the mistake of calling from the MajicJack number. Now, calls on both numbers! Glad I never gave him my cell. Calling from one number to the next. If there's no answer on the landline ... why call the MJ? If you've left a message ... why are you calling and hanging up? CALLER ID!!!!
Tried talking with him today. Did I get your call? Yes! Well, two-star General told him to be off base by the end of the day! Well, Sgt. Jones pissed somebody off. Says he doesn't have any money. Why not? Didn't make arrangements for a room? No plans. No place to stay.
I can't help him. I can't. I am feeling stressed. Pressured. Squeezed. Why??? My arrangement with him. 9-months. December, January, February, March, April, May, June, July and August! It's only July.
Not interested in spending any time. Not interested in dinner. Not interested. He came back early. He should have gone home and come back for the truck. $1800.00 payments left.
Sgt. Jones can wait around until Ree leaves on the 5th or he can come back. Just don't make your emergency, my emergency.
Then, he tells me step back ... act like I got some brains. I'm done. Good-bye. Sgt. Jones.
Peace,
Yo
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