44 & Counting

Good Morning God,

First let me thank you for all that you do for me. All that you've done and will continue to for one of your fledgling ... Can you be this @ 50 ... I think so ....I hope so.

44 has my stomach is knots ... better said, putting the responsibility where it belongs ... I have my stomach in knots when it comes to 44. His birthday is Thursday .... I guess I'll be calling him 45 :)

God, I so don't trust my judgement when it comes to men and relationships.

I think Sean may be correct in some way or another when he expressed his fear that when I begin to feel some adversity in the relationship or with the person ... I bail! Gone out the door. Cut my losses before I am in too deep.

But there is where I want to be ... deep in love .... To have that emotional security. Perhaps that's why Chicago and I became such good friends ... he always had an ear and shoulder available for me and without judgement. Chicago would always say ... I not here because of how you feel about me, it's about how I feel about you.

Having longterm relationships ... two ..... one in my twenties which gave me Casini and Dorian and then the other in my thirties resulting in Isaac and Maurie. Really didn't prepare me for the life commitment that I am desiring.

I'm not sure how much to talk to 44 about, how much to share, how much to expose ... I'm back to desiring the place or space for emotional security within the context of the relationship.

What I have done ... is not bailed. I want to talk it out. I want to know his thoughts.

Women do like to talk. We want him to actively listen. 44 does. I glad of that. His Needs ... Her Needs devotes an entire chapter on it.

44 will be gone for 5 weeks. Perhaps I will know more upon his return ...

I have to find a hobby or interest so I'm not making this man my world. I don't want to smother him or lose my own individuality.

God, a pray for peace of spirit and fulfillment.

Love you always,
Yo