Projecting .... Such an Understatement. Fool, Your Words ...

Arnold,

Give: "gentleness, patience, trustworthiness, kindness and affection" and it most certainly will come back to you. There is a lack of self-awareness coupled with the accusatory, judgmental and condescending monologues prohibiting/stifling "gentleness, patience, trustworthiness, kindness and affection".

Sometimes, you need to shut the mediator off ... its not neutral, its not reflective ... it can actually be inflammatory and cruel.

-----Original Message-----
From: Arnold
To: Yo
Sent: Thu, Mar 5, 2015 10:14 pm
Subject: Re: This is what I do and say when I am absolutely furious...

   
If I am erring in interpreting, what I describe as anger, please forgive me.  Whatever it is that I see and feel is something that you are entitled to, something you do well and something that seems pretty consistent.  Like conflict, anger is pretty normal and ubiquitous.  I may be acting like the fool who is 'projecting.'  If hurtful and disappointing things happened to me that I did not ask for, earn or deserve I would be angry off the scale.

My apologies for thinking what I would do is and feel is what you are doing and feeling.

Also - my bad - if I was actually trespassing on the internet when I suddenly found a surprising pocket of information about you,  then I clearly mess up on my journey-ing.  In truth, I didn't know any better.  I thought what was there was there was written to be read..by anybody. ( I thought) I was taking care...
   
In a message dated 3/5/2015 10:03:22 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, Yo writes:  
   
         
Seething with anger .... your assumptions are premature and presumptuous. You listen, analyze, formulated a deliberate response ... yet, you haven't felt me at all.
         
I think your googling me ... took away from the journey of getting to know me.

Take care.

Sent on a Boost Samsung Galaxy S® III
     
-------- Original message --------    
     
From: Arnold
     
Date:03/05/2015 9:35 PM (GMT-05:00)     
     
To:  Yo
     
Cc: Arnold
     
Subject: This is what I do and say when I am absolutely furious...


an absolutely. determined to win.
      
I don't get angry, mean, physical or loud and 'celebrate' the problem.  Instead, I try to stay calm, use the King's English and I try to solve the problem, so I can emerge from the quiet fight as a victor.     
      
      
      
See the attachments, which may be out of order...

BTW - I don't think I am right for you as a lover or as a romantic interest.  I am too old, too set in my ways and totally unsure of what to do with myself and the experiences that life has packed up inside of me.  I do think I am great friend material and hope we can find our way to friendship.

My babbling of the last few days, my ambiguousness, the, seeming, pointlessness of my anecdotes have been engendered by me trying to buy some time (and keep your attention long enough) to figure out what to make of you, the (almost fierce) aggression I sense in you and what to make of me being torn by a need for gentleness, patience, trustworthiness, kindness and affection and my realization that this may simply not be where you are - right now.  I think you may be seething with anger and now I have a better grasp of some of its origins.  Maybe I can be a lake that you sit beside which helps you find more peacefulness...
      
xo       
Arnold
  

So, Tell Me Everything I Want To Know About You

So, Tell Me Everything I Want To Know About You, The New York Times.


His love life sounding non-existent ... content with his aloneness ... perhaps because dealing with someone else, considering someone else ... is more than he has to give. Companionship comes with sharing, friendship comes with consideration ... its not to be analyzed, its to be experienced, to feel.

I caught his attention. After several conversations, his comment of feeling of kindred spirits. Instead of evoking the wonder of wanting to know more, he spoke more with hesitancy and caution ... it hasn't even been a week!

I thought we were getting along very well ... despite the age difference.

I have a searchable name ... he found this blog .... a blog that's not hidden but also not one pulling in readers and followers. You would definitely have to look and search ....

I am at a total loss for words that someone would make such assumptions, judgments which are derogatory and unsupported attributes .... Because he doesn't understand me, than there has to be something wrong with me! Perhaps he didn't understand me because he googled me first, than told me, expounding with analysis of my writings.

So this is what he puts in an email:

-----Original Message-----
From: Arnold
To: Yo
Sent: Thu, Mar 5, 2015 9:18 pm
Subject: Re: Name The Problem

This was a terrible, terrible, thing for anyone to go through.  It was a tragic loss of life and innocence.  It also seems like a life-changing traumatic event which would must have engendered PTSD long before a solid and credible name was given to such a disorder.
  
This major assault to your sensibilities probably has distorted your sense of what is 'normal' and may have impacted how safe you feel on this earth.  For that, I truly ache.  You are entitled to better and deserve not just better but the best, Yolanda.
  
I am sorry you experienced the fear, being assailed like this and that you were so close to the loss of an innocent life. No one deserves such victimization.  I am glad you survived it, but know you did not do so unscathed.  It makes my heart hurt to think of what has happened to you and that is not limited to this horrible series of events.

You are way too valuable as a person and as a spirit to have to endure such suffering.  You have my heartfelt sympathies and prayers and blessing.  I understand much more why and how I do not understand how you tick.

May, God, the Universe, your Angels and good spirits on this earth guide, comfort and protect you henceforth. 
  

Wrapped it with a Red Ribbon ... FYI

 

I have so missed this body. He has certainly set the standard or at least provided with the Once Upon A Time. I enjoyed his energy, humor, wisdom .... and his beauty .... inside and out.

These last few days I will not attach to the time spent with him.

I loved him. He loved me.


-----Original Message-----
From: Yo
To: bdub
Sent: Tue, Mar 3, 2015 11:14 am
Subject: FYI

I not going to use this ... but did find without paying for any background check. Just did a search.

This is the best way to maintain my own integrity and moral constitution. I have no interest in revenge  or causing you any harm.

-----Original Message-----
From: Yo
To:
Sent: Mon, Mar 2, 2015 12:16 am
Subject:

2 .  2xxx5 D..... L... W... L.....ville B W xxx-925-xxxx
3 .  2xxx5 D..... L... W... L.....ville T W xxx-925-xxxx
4 .  2xxx5 D..... L... W... L.....ville T W xxx-521-xxxx
5 .  2xxx5 D..... L... W... L......ville T W
6 .  2xxx5 D..... L... W... L......ville T W xxx-925-xxxx

Who's the Student, Who's the Teacher

 

Closure to Master Sgt. Bennett Wilson, RIP

-----Original Message-----
From: Yo
To: bdub
Sent: Tue, Mar 3, 2015 8:58 am
Subject: Re: Admiration

I could never hurt you.

Thank you, Yolanda


-----Original
Message-----
From: bdub
To: Yo
Sent: Tue, Mar 3, 2015 8:46 am
Subject: Re:
Admiration


 Yolanda,
   
First apologize to you is needed, Sorry.  If revenge is needed go ahead, green light.  Nothing you or anyone else can do to me because im already going through the storm. God is doing what he need for me and I ask  for you to enjoy your new life and school. Be Blessed on your journey

 
    
On Tuesday, March 3, 2015 12:51 AM, Yo wrote:
       
I don't think there's a woman on this earth that will ever love you as much as I have loved you.    
       
I have thoughts of revenge .. contacting Phoenix about my part in your studies. Contacting Tracy regarding your infidelity.    
    
But I can't. Because that will take away from me, the pledge of honesty and trust I made to you. No need to hurt an innocent person. No need to try and hurt you.     

Again, maybe one day. You'll explain and apologize. Maybe one day, God's love will touch your heart for me.    


     
    
    
     
    
    
        

Master Sgt. 44

44

I'll have to read this more than a couple of times


-----Original Message-----
From: Yo
To: Bennett
Sent: Mon, Mar 2, 2015 1:13 pm


Please don't ignore my request for explanation. I know I asked if you were married or if there was anyone in your life that could be hurt by my presence in yours. 


-----Original
Message-----
From: Yo
To: bdub
Sent: Mon, Mar 2, 2015 12:01 am
Subject: Really!

Why would you let me involve myself with you. Why didn't you break it off when you left for Texas?
Why did you have me come to Ft. Benning?

I can't make you talk with me but I  wish you would. I never saw you as a cheater or liar ... so this is why I could never come to Georgia?

Even now its still hurts. You once said that no woman has ever taken better care of you as I.

I'm not living in the past, I was hoping to see if there was a welcome home article. Just didn't expect to see pics of you and a wife.

I always felt that there was something with me, something that I wasn't doing enough of. Wanting you to know that I had your back and could be counted on when shit hit the fan. I wanted to be the one that you called when you needed someone.

I loved you ... please explain.

Thank you,
Yo

Transparency vs Juxitposition

Hi God,

I am experiencing transparency in the raw and in real time ...

What do you do with ... how do I feel about being Googled, searched?

When....Has that now become part of the pre-courting process?

When you background search ... do you disclose any of this process of searching and the "found" information?

Does it diminish the romance, the spontaneity, the mystery of getting to know someone?

I feeling ambivalence about it all. My blog is public yet one would have to search me out to find it ... there's no links to Facebook or LinkedIn or any other social network.

It's a blog and its meant to read. I guess its not really something I want to discuss. If you found it, read it. It may or not give you a window into who I am.

My entries are simple snapshots of experiences, memories for my reference of left and right turns.

Ancestry: Mulatto + Ashkenazie Jew = BRCA2+ = 6174delT Mutant

BRCA2+

This is where is starts ... not sure which side of family it comes from ... but some of have ... I do ... others may not. Begin by reading this. Invite other family members to join this group ... all the separate needs to put aside for the safety of each of us and the future of our children and their children.

I will share what I have learned so far and what I am experiencing.

Met with the Chief of Oncology ... at the old Old Court Hospital now known as Northwest Hospital. He gave me a breast exam and pelvic exam ... got off the table. He said well the good news is that you don't have cancer.

Then started to talk about the gene and related cancers: breast, ovarian and pancreatic .... geez. He order an cat scan of my abdomen to check out my uterus and ovaries ... He wants them gone ... along with the breasts while they are healthy tissue.

Then the pancreatic cancer ... no treatment but I will need to do two test alternate years for maintenance and to "catch it" early if something should happen. He also referred me to a Gyn Oncologist for a pap smear ...

Saw her Friday .... all normal ... referring me to someone else to do the surgery that specializes in oncology and removing the uterus/ovaries.

Cat scan was an awful feeling with the dye .... didn't like that. Tests came back normal.
Tuesday, I meet with the breast surgeon that worked on my mom, Dawn Leonard. Haven't searched her on FB yet ... but will after this post. Beautiful, young, married with two children sister!

Sooooo much, so fast! They are all saying the same thing. The gene places you in the 85% .... so its not an "if" but "when".

Has anyone else gone through genetic testing? Has anyone else experienced any cancer?

This is the beginning of creating a medical family history .

Three Generations & a Hope Not

Hmm, a little genealogy ... There is a Delaware census listing momma and her siblings as mulatto along with her mother.

Believe her mom was of Jewish ancestry. Ashkenazie Jew, DNA gene location: 6174delT

There were two waves of immigration prior to WWII. So much more to know...

 

 

I got diagnosed with fibrocystic breast back in college. Started mammograms early. Some years, twice. I have always been closely monitored.

Due to the history of family breast cancer .. talked to your gyn doctor and order a mammogram ... don't wait.

University of Maryland, Breast Cancer Program, found a cyst in 2005, it was benign.

I always have a annual mammogram and kept good medical records.