Closer to Being Farther from the Past

Hi God,

Thank you so very much. Getting around to getting this implant and saying good-bye to the fist in the mouth by one. Good-bye Doc. I should have let him leave that day. I pulled him back from walking out the door. Nope, kept him from leaving and this is what I got.

So, many times you have opened a door to advance me and/or protect me from others ... and myself.

I had the dead tooth pulled last December 2016. Then the flipper. Today, the anchor! In 120 days the final tooth.

Moving farther from the past!

Am I a Ladder or Rope

Dear God,

Do I show Casini, Dorian, Isaac how to get out ... a ladder. Or, am I allowing them to pull on me to get out of their mess ... a rope.

Casini is doing well.

Dorian is trying. Until he understands himself, he'll continue to struggle because this barrier is keep him from being successful. He has what it takes to be successful.

Isaac, is lost. Lost, rejects all assistance. But is willing to beg.

When Is the First Time You Remember?

Hi God,

Ivanla's #FIXMYLIFE, I didn't catch the episode number but it's about a husband who admits his abuse. Ivanla asks the wife why do you stay? How do you lay next to someone that chokes you, calls you the vulgar of names .... My story

Ivanla's discussion with her where she suggests this is not the first time a man has put their hands on you. Question to the wife, "When is the first time a man put his hands on you?" When she was 4 and was molested.

When was the first time I remember a man putting his hands on me. Joe Lonesome, I'll never forget his name. No molestation but very violent. He was violent with mom .... he was violent with me ... and she, mom, forgave him, protected him. She betrayed me by not protecting me.

Next time, my grandfather. Gee and I were home alone.  Gee had one of the neighborhood boys in the house. We sat in the living room talking. When daddy came home, we all were scared. I remember telling him ... she didn't do anything, they were just talking. Against the bathroom door I was pushed. Daddy put his hands around my neck while telling me that she was his daughter. I was not to tell him anything about what to do with her.

Then there's my husband, Sean. When people show you who they are ... believe them! When they say they're meaner than anyone I would have known or will ever know.

One Week Ago Today

Dear God,

Sharon Graves Grover "researched" me .... Now, I've researched her: husband, Reginald and 3 grown daughters.

How does the side-bitch research the wife? Why? She was curious ...  What did she expect to find? Did she think about ... what if this was done to me ... vindictive ... that's what she called me ... I had the propensity to be vindictive ... I sent her husband and daughter's the text messages.

Called JoAnn. Let her know Sean didn't move to Florida ... he still here in Jackson.

The names change: Stephanie, Liza, Alice, JoAnn ... it remains the same. All believing Sean is single.

Went to church, came home. And it was on .... I'm so angry about the betrayal, the lies, the lack of compassion.

Sean spat in my face .... twice.

Anger ... cause I contacted Alice and Joann. He promised Alice I wouldn't contact her husband ... she can text and whatever and more with mines ... unchecked.

He took the cable from me. Told me to get the rest of my clothes out of the master bedroom. He dumped my clothes on the floor. Sean told me not to move the dresser guest room where I've been sleeping. He watched me move it by myself to Miles' room. Stood there and watched.

He kept on running his mouth. I threw away the plate dinner from McDade's.  The name calling. I emptied his medication on the floor. His stuff. Sean hates to have his "stuff" violated. If you could care for me half as much.

Sean called the police. Wanting one of us to leave ... Sean refused. I refused. Then the talk of going to jail. Sean said it was okay with him ... just to see me go. Hell no, not again. I left. I will always leave from now on. He said he had nothing to lose. He would go to jail to ruin my life.

What kind of sick shit is that?

He's a punk ass bitch. Not a soldier. Not a protector. Not a husband. Not a friend.

God, if this is the place where I am suppose to be ... then, please chasten and change Sean's heart. If not, please open a door so I may leave with everything restored.

I thank you God for all things. Thank you for my Lord Jesus, the Christ.

Alice Graves Grover - Side Bitch!

James 4:8

 8Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners,and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn, and weep.

God,

Today, when I arrive home from church. Again ... assaulted with vile language.

"Don't ever get hit by a car. For me, you would be just like a dog, road kill on the side of the road. Nothing. I would feel nothing.

Your a bitch. Your mammy's a bitch.

I clap when you leave. I'm sick to my stomach when you come in from work."

Yo

God - Fix My Life

God,

I heard it today ... Sean, I experience you as a violent aggressor.
My husband dishonors me with foul language and aggression.

How do you mistreat your gift from God. Your beloved.

Who I am matters.
What I think matters.


What else is there to say. That sums it up.

Yolanda

Happy Resurrection Sunday

Good morning, God!

Thank you so very much ... I cannot put into words my adoration, appreciation, my love for you, God and your Son, Jesus the Christ.

Today, I will spend it with friends, Jackie and Tonia. They are inviting their friends and family over for a BBQ!

Went to the AG museum, yesterday, for an Easter Egg hunt with Hudson girls. Much fun when they're this age. Train ride, egg dying, hot dog eating ... coloring book give aways and of course, pic with the Easter Bunny! Did I take a pic .... no way ... in all white ... I would have looked like a hard boiled egg, Lol.

I'm going to give it a couple of months before I "unprivate" my blog. Sean thought I was going to delete 10 years worth of writing, purging, dreaming ... due to his discomfort. The entries are my expressions of discomfort, questioning, glorifying, understanding ..... I'm not going to delete my blog.

Thank you again and again for your love and sacrifice. I'm truly blessed to have you as my Father and Savior.

Love you,
Yo.

Remorse

Debra asked me, Why do you stay in this marriage?

Today, Sean says his friend Alice found my blog. But why would she be searching. He says she wanted to know more about me. But, Sean knows everything about me. I have no secrets with him.

Maybe, that's my remorse. I shared, without holding back, the smallest, intimate detail of my life. My friend, Jackie, says you never tell a man everything. My thoughts, fears, excitement .... all those feeling words ... I want to share with him. Not only to know my favorite things, but also the dislikes.

Sean has used the most vulgar of words with me. Yet, he protests my use of this blog to express my experience.

I thought I had deleted the last two post. To my surprise, the posts are still here. I am not going to delete them.

I've moved completely out of the master bedroom. This is very painful to me. I had not moved my things with hope things would get better.

Sean has never apologized and feels no remorse for the actions directed at me.

If anything, I will find how to hide the blog from public view.

Seek and You Shall Find

Good evening God,

First post for 2017 .... here I still am.

I've submitted my expungement for the charges back in December. Court papers should be here any day. ... I even helped Sean with his paperwork. Just feel that at the end of the day, I have to true to myself. No sense in looking for vengeance or sour grapes. I have to much to look forward to, too much grace.

So, I walked in today from going to the store and post office ... mailing Easter cards to the grands. I simply asked, "Would you like me to fix you anything before I go up for the evening." He had no response, just looking forward. Then, as I ascend to the second floor, Sean says, "I read your blog."

No, you, Sean, searched me or more over, my email address. What did you think you would find? Well, you found it. Search and you shall find. But be prepared for what you may learn.

What did you think you would find me on some dating sites? Surprise ... nope. Or were you sharing or looking for my photo with your name on it? You discovered my blog.

Ok, it's not private but its also not a broadcast .. so, you have to search for it. So he says his niece found it ... looking for me. Whatever. Why? You really have to dig to find it.

Now you found it Sean. So, be a reader, a follower. I will continue to write.

So, whoever you are .... continue to read and report. Stephanie (from Planet Fitness 4:30am caller), Neibra (the x-wife), Jenny, Alice, Debra (married to a clergy and calls regularly), Liza (from Planet Fitness) .... all of you that talk, text or whatever with Sean while I'm at work, behind your husband's back. "Can you talk" "No, will call later"

So the person who walks around with his cell phone in his pocket on vibrate, takes it to the shower, sleeps with it under the sheets ... and you're looking for dirt on me? A liar, cheater, a villain. So, continue to share your porn with your Thots. Continue with your phone sex. Continue with your sexting and sending photos of your penis.

When I stay home from work ... the phone rings about 9am. Swipe to voicemail. Guess you didn't tell them your wife would be home today. They, like Stephanie, probably doesn't know. But Debra knows. I wonder how much her husband aware of her texting and calls.

I made a commitment to myself if ever married. To live an authentic life. I may have to apologize ... but it will never be for adultery of body or spirit.

You haven't taken away from me nor have you added to me in any degree.

So believe me when I say, my heart and conscience is clear.

Thank you God for your continuing cover over me.