Job Hunting

Hi God,

He has an 18 hour flight before reaching Afghanistan. I think of him constantly.

I got to some how make peace with my past, with my mother, perhaps my sister ... and my children.

Ree will leaving soon ... August 5th to begin basic training with the United States Navy.

I can begin to sell off the furniture.

I've felt so lost, without direction, since the bike accident and the resulting loss of my employment with FEMA.

Yesterday, I interviewed with State of Texas Worker's Compensation Office.

Today I interview with FEMA Equal Rights Office.

June 26th: Associate Ombuds post with the University of Colorado at Boulder
June 21st:  Student Ombudsman with Jackson Community College
May 29th:  Interview with the Harris County Long-Term Care Ombudsman Program
King County Office of Dispute Resolution
Nevada State Long Term Care Ombudsman
June 20th: Associate Program Manager with the Key Bridge Foundation
May 8th: Disability Integration Advisor position with FEMS’s Disability Integration Advisor Reservist Cadre
TSA Ombudsman Office, Program Specialist GS-12
Sept. 10: Conflict Management Program and Operations Associate position with ADR Vantage

The list is longer: this is just a search in my email box.

The praises, God, is that I am interviewing which reflects my marketability.

God, I want to be back to work, being productive ... earning a living.

Living.

Love always,
Yo

Phase 1 - My Journey Officially Starts Now

God

44 cell phone is off which means his journey has started. So, then does mines.

I can worry about him ... but it will be much better to pray and believe in the faith we both share that he will be okay.

Now, I can't call him or see him.

Now, the just me has begun.

I pray for me, Lord

I pray for me

Yo

In and Out

God,

44 sounds like he really tries to be patient with my moods swings ... I don't even see them that way. I think about the events ... which seem so clear to me. A failure to communicate!

After 44 sent me home from Ft. Benning, it was the longest drive back to Mississippi. I was sick with grief to my stomach. Couldn't this have played out differently. Then it started all the alternative scenarios in my head. Why????

Why did he have me come to Georgia?
Why did he not want to make love to me before leaving on deployment?
Why did he allow me to touch him at all? (I can't go into this ... discretion)
Why didn't he tell me when I asked him while we were laying down that he wanted me to return home in the morning?
Why did he wait until I returned him to base @ 3am in the morning in a dark parking lot?
Why is he just telling me that its been over for him for months?
Why didn't I know how much our argument in Texas affected him? I would have made sure I returned (without Ree but I took her because she didn't need to be alone at the time ... she too had some of her own issues) to show him that day was only a day, not a snapshot of a lifetime.
Why didn't he tell me any of this?

So, is my reaction of confusion and desperateness enough to understand my "craziness"? To me it seems to be a normal reaction.

44 doesn't talk. He doesn't have anything to say. He has shut down and shut me out.

To me ... Like a car ... 44 got out of the car, the drivers seat, leaving the engine running, leaving it in drive, leaving me in the car .... and just letting it go to run out of gas ... to crash ... whatever ... he stopped caring.

He got maybe 15 text messages from me yesterday before noon. I deleted every one of them so I truly don't know how many I sent. This drives him to have a headache ... feels stress ... me flip/flopping. He sees me being emotionally unstable, a roller coaster ... constantly up and down. I say one thing and then do another.

My desperateness to get him to see it, to feel it ... how I see and feel it ... he couldn't do it ... maybe even wouldn't do it.

 I went to him to send him off. Making love to him and him to me. Kissing his face and feeling every part of his body into my memory. To lay beside him and under him. To watch as he slept and pray over him. This I did do ... With a sincere heart.

It didn't play out that way at all. He had another agenda that blind-sided me and it didn't happen when he could have provided support to deal with his decision. But later, when he would be walking away from me .... as a last line of a book.

Why wouldn't I be emotionally swirling? Unstable? Confused? Hurt? In crisis .. wanting to save us, save me.

Does any of this relate back to my mother and lack of trust, the betrayal, and abandonment? I don't know ... but that the purpose of this next year.

I'm hoping 44 will keep in contact.

God, I place this situation, 44 and me, as always, in Your hands.

Yo

Finding Love ... Memories of a Monster: Joseph Lonesome, the Photographer

 

Who is she?  
 

44 keeps telling me to stop worrying about him, stop thinking about him. Concentrate on me.

Perhaps, finding love means to first start with examining and rediscovering who I am. Rediscovering ... I don't know if I ever discovered myself.

I am a product of an abusive and drug-use household where I watched my mother get her butt kicked, her body, her face black & blued. Never hating her for staying, but always felt responsible to her as a protector. Yet, so many times, she-the mother of two girls- put the man before her children.

Many times I reflect how did my sister and I get through without ever being molested by one of her boyfriends, that was always the new found Mr. Right. She would leave them in the house with us.

Joe Lonesome was the worst. He was a good looking man. Probably an charmer to women. A photographer. So many stories. Alter Street. Last year of elementary and maybe, one year of junior high. I remember hearing him tell her that they were the same ... She was no better than him ... she to suck his dick and he to lick her pussy ... that's was what they were good for. One day, my school bus was late and I could feel something was off in my spirit. Something kept me uneasy. I just decided to walk home. When I got there ... she was beaten up .. her face black and blue. I remember being angry; thinking, if I had only been home this never would have happened. One day, he turned that fury onto me. He decided he had enough of my rolling eyes, refusal to acknowledge him, the obvious contempt that I held for him. Went out one night with my cousin, cruising the neighborhood, but failed to tell anyone we were leaving the house. They called the police looking for us. Didn't know this until we returned home. Everyone was out looking for us except, Joseph Lonesome, the Photographer. I said some smart remark to him .... probably something like your not my father ... and he came after me with two leather belts with wrapped around the palm of his hand. He beat me with them. When my family and the police came back, I told them what happened. The next day, my mother told me not to say anything to the teachers about what happened the night before. One day, my mother took me to a government building in Towson. As we sat in the room, she told me to tell them that nothing happened that evening and if I said anything different it could get Joseph Lonesome, the Photographer in trouble. I did as she requested. She made her choice. She kept making that same choice over and over again. Next, Westerlee Apartments. They were pulled over and he had drugs in her car. They were both arrested and charged. Later, I would find out that my grandparents put up their home as collateral for her bond. Returning home after school, my sister and I came home to an apartment that had no mom. She had packed her things, left her children without a good-bye and the apartment and skipped bail with Joseph Lonesome, the Photographer. Her parents had to pack up her apartment which was stored in their basement ... which then became a storage room instead of the usual recreation room. I had to hear complaints from my then teenage aunt, Crystal, my mother's sibling, that my mother abandoned my sister and me, without any contributing support, that my grandparents are having to struggle and sacrifice to care for us providing food and shelter. I don't remember ever getting any new clothes ... I guess just the ones I brought from the apartment. With the help of a police detective, my mom was convinced to return home so my grandparents wouldn't lose their home. He got her arrest records, mug shots, finger prints removed from the system. How's that for second chances. But it proved for naught. Joseph Lonesome showed back up during my college years. This time when he beat her butt, she called my boyfriend, Audie Haskins, to told him. Audie was an extremely large pitbull type of guy. I met him when my girlfriend and I cut school and went to Druid Hill Park, probably to smoke ... I don't know now. But he had a blue Mark IV, I think, Continental with wide white rims and chrome siding. It was pretty, always clean and shiny. What I didn't know what that Audi had just got out of jail ... don't remember for what....much later in life I heard Audi was gunned down on a city corner ...Audi came over to defend my mother and beat Joseph Lonesome's butt with a baseball bat. She never heard from Joseph Lonesome, the Photographer again.

Where is the model for love in this story? What of trust?

My blog is taking a turn in my journey. Finding love may be more now about finding about how to love me. Thank you 44.

God please grant me the ability to discern and understand.

Love always,
Yo

FINDING LOVE

 God,

I really don't understand ... what, if anything, I did wrong. Came to Ft. Benning to see him off on his deployment to Afghanistan and I leave no longer in this relationship.

I, so desperately, and maybe that's it ... I was so desperate for love that I wanted this more than breath.  He a good man. Any woman would want him to be in love with her.

He has said that no woman has ever cared for him better.

He says I'm in and out and that causes him stress. What is in and out? He makes me sound bipolar!

God, please protect him, keep him, place a hedge of protection around him. Let him return safely home whole ... mind, body and spirit.

God, I found love but love didn't find me. Or did it and I can't recognize love for the damage inside me.

I'm going to miss him so much Lord. Please, please heal my heart.

Thank you Ms. Mann for the song Heaven: It speaks to how I feel about 44. I LOVE YOU 44

Lyrics: (Click anywhere above to listen) Every-time I look at you I feel something brand new it's real I can feel it all over me chemistry is off the chain, you send fire through me when you call my name has me looking forward to the next time we will go out and hang something magical happens every-time I'm lying in your arms the feeling that it gives me can weather any storm lying next to you relaxes me makes me feel so complete, yeah no other place I would rather be than here with you just, your skin touches mine and to me your one of a kind I believe my search was over when you became mine something magical happens every-time I'm lying in your arms the feeling that it gives me can weather any storm Vamp: it feels like heaven when you with me it feels like heaven when you smile and it feels like heavens right here on earth for me ohhhhhh Heaven when you with me it feels like Heaven when you're smiling it feels like heavens right here on earth for me ohhhhh something magical happens when lying in your arms the feeling that it gives me can weather any storm I LOVE YOU David


Your daughter,
Yo

Almased: The Winner in Weight-Reduction Plans

Almased Protein Diet Shake has increased my metabolism, decreased my hunger. The results have motivated to keep it up!

My goal weight is 165lbs. I am going to have to look back at the beginning of this blog to remember what I wanted for myself.

Ermea "EJ" Russell Going to Trial!

Sent: Tue, Apr 9, 2013 9:04 am
Subject: RE: Docket Number: 11-234-1

Ms. W.,

 

Please forgive the delay in my response.  I have been out of the office for much of the last two weeks for work and am just now able to follow up with you.  The Complaint you filed is ongoing.  Because there are other matters that are related, this office is going to combine the work for efficiency purposes.  I am not at liberty to provide details due to the confidentiality rules set forth by the Supreme Court (but will be able to do so upon the filing of a Formal Complaint), but rest assured that we are being diligent in our work.  As we have discussed before, you should anticipate that you will be called as a witness for an upcoming trial regarding your complaint.  You will have ample advance notice and I will make sure that you are prepared to provide testimony at that time.

 

Thank you for your continued patience and for making the Bar aware of your concerns.

Best regards,    

 

General Counsel

The Mississippi Bar