God,
I heard it today ... Sean, I experience you as a violent aggressor.
My husband dishonors me with foul language and aggression.
How do you mistreat your gift from God. Your beloved.
Who I am matters.
What I think matters.
What else is there to say. That sums it up.
Yolanda
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Sunday, April 16, 2017
Happy Resurrection Sunday
Good morning, God!
Thank you so very much ... I cannot put into words my adoration, appreciation, my love for you, God and your Son, Jesus the Christ.
Today, I will spend it with friends, Jackie and Tonia. They are inviting their friends and family over for a BBQ!
Went to the AG museum, yesterday, for an Easter Egg hunt with Hudson girls. Much fun when they're this age. Train ride, egg dying, hot dog eating ... coloring book give aways and of course, pic with the Easter Bunny! Did I take a pic .... no way ... in all white ... I would have looked like a hard boiled egg, Lol.
I'm going to give it a couple of months before I "unprivate" my blog. Sean thought I was going to delete 10 years worth of writing, purging, dreaming ... due to his discomfort. The entries are my expressions of discomfort, questioning, glorifying, understanding ..... I'm not going to delete my blog.
Thank you again and again for your love and sacrifice. I'm truly blessed to have you as my Father and Savior.
Love you,
Yo.
Thank you so very much ... I cannot put into words my adoration, appreciation, my love for you, God and your Son, Jesus the Christ.
Today, I will spend it with friends, Jackie and Tonia. They are inviting their friends and family over for a BBQ!
Went to the AG museum, yesterday, for an Easter Egg hunt with Hudson girls. Much fun when they're this age. Train ride, egg dying, hot dog eating ... coloring book give aways and of course, pic with the Easter Bunny! Did I take a pic .... no way ... in all white ... I would have looked like a hard boiled egg, Lol.
I'm going to give it a couple of months before I "unprivate" my blog. Sean thought I was going to delete 10 years worth of writing, purging, dreaming ... due to his discomfort. The entries are my expressions of discomfort, questioning, glorifying, understanding ..... I'm not going to delete my blog.
Thank you again and again for your love and sacrifice. I'm truly blessed to have you as my Father and Savior.
Love you,
Yo.
Sunday, April 9, 2017
Remorse
Debra asked me, Why do you stay in this marriage?
Today, Sean says his friend Alice found my blog. But why would she be searching. He says she wanted to know more about me. But, Sean knows everything about me. I have no secrets with him.
Maybe, that's my remorse. I shared, without holding back, the smallest, intimate detail of my life. My friend, Jackie, says you never tell a man everything. My thoughts, fears, excitement .... all those feeling words ... I want to share with him. Not only to know my favorite things, but also the dislikes.
Sean has used the most vulgar of words with me. Yet, he protests my use of this blog to express my experience.
I thought I had deleted the last two post. To my surprise, the posts are still here. I am not going to delete them.
I've moved completely out of the master bedroom. This is very painful to me. I had not moved my things with hope things would get better.
Sean has never apologized and feels no remorse for the actions directed at me.
If anything, I will find how to hide the blog from public view.
Today, Sean says his friend Alice found my blog. But why would she be searching. He says she wanted to know more about me. But, Sean knows everything about me. I have no secrets with him.
Maybe, that's my remorse. I shared, without holding back, the smallest, intimate detail of my life. My friend, Jackie, says you never tell a man everything. My thoughts, fears, excitement .... all those feeling words ... I want to share with him. Not only to know my favorite things, but also the dislikes.
Sean has used the most vulgar of words with me. Yet, he protests my use of this blog to express my experience.
I thought I had deleted the last two post. To my surprise, the posts are still here. I am not going to delete them.
I've moved completely out of the master bedroom. This is very painful to me. I had not moved my things with hope things would get better.
Sean has never apologized and feels no remorse for the actions directed at me.
If anything, I will find how to hide the blog from public view.
Friday, April 7, 2017
Seek and You Shall Find
Good evening God,
First post for 2017 .... here I still am.
I've submitted my expungement for the charges back in December. Court papers should be here any day. ... I even helped Sean with his paperwork. Just feel that at the end of the day, I have to true to myself. No sense in looking for vengeance or sour grapes. I have to much to look forward to, too much grace.
So, I walked in today from going to the store and post office ... mailing Easter cards to the grands. I simply asked, "Would you like me to fix you anything before I go up for the evening." He had no response, just looking forward. Then, as I ascend to the second floor, Sean says, "I read your blog."
No, you, Sean, searched me or more over, my email address. What did you think you would find? Well, you found it. Search and you shall find. But be prepared for what you may learn.
What did you think you would find me on some dating sites? Surprise ... nope. Or were you sharing or looking for my photo with your name on it? You discovered my blog.
Ok, it's not private but its also not a broadcast .. so, you have to search for it. So he says his niece found it ... looking for me. Whatever. Why? You really have to dig to find it.
Now you found it Sean. So, be a reader, a follower. I will continue to write.
So, whoever you are .... continue to read and report. Stephanie (from Planet Fitness 4:30am caller), Neibra (the x-wife), Jenny, Alice, Debra (married to a clergy and calls regularly), Liza (from Planet Fitness) .... all of you that talk, text or whatever with Sean while I'm at work, behind your husband's back. "Can you talk" "No, will call later"
So the person who walks around with his cell phone in his pocket on vibrate, takes it to the shower, sleeps with it under the sheets ... and you're looking for dirt on me? A liar, cheater, a villain. So, continue to share your porn with your Thots. Continue with your phone sex. Continue with your sexting and sending photos of your penis.
When I stay home from work ... the phone rings about 9am. Swipe to voicemail. Guess you didn't tell them your wife would be home today. They, like Stephanie, probably doesn't know. But Debra knows. I wonder how much her husband aware of her texting and calls.
I made a commitment to myself if ever married. To live an authentic life. I may have to apologize ... but it will never be for adultery of body or spirit.
You haven't taken away from me nor have you added to me in any degree.
So believe me when I say, my heart and conscience is clear.
Thank you God for your continuing cover over me.
First post for 2017 .... here I still am.
I've submitted my expungement for the charges back in December. Court papers should be here any day. ... I even helped Sean with his paperwork. Just feel that at the end of the day, I have to true to myself. No sense in looking for vengeance or sour grapes. I have to much to look forward to, too much grace.
So, I walked in today from going to the store and post office ... mailing Easter cards to the grands. I simply asked, "Would you like me to fix you anything before I go up for the evening." He had no response, just looking forward. Then, as I ascend to the second floor, Sean says, "I read your blog."
No, you, Sean, searched me or more over, my email address. What did you think you would find? Well, you found it. Search and you shall find. But be prepared for what you may learn.
What did you think you would find me on some dating sites? Surprise ... nope. Or were you sharing or looking for my photo with your name on it? You discovered my blog.
Ok, it's not private but its also not a broadcast .. so, you have to search for it. So he says his niece found it ... looking for me. Whatever. Why? You really have to dig to find it.
Now you found it Sean. So, be a reader, a follower. I will continue to write.
So, whoever you are .... continue to read and report. Stephanie (from Planet Fitness 4:30am caller), Neibra (the x-wife), Jenny, Alice, Debra (married to a clergy and calls regularly), Liza (from Planet Fitness) .... all of you that talk, text or whatever with Sean while I'm at work, behind your husband's back. "Can you talk" "No, will call later"
So the person who walks around with his cell phone in his pocket on vibrate, takes it to the shower, sleeps with it under the sheets ... and you're looking for dirt on me? A liar, cheater, a villain. So, continue to share your porn with your Thots. Continue with your phone sex. Continue with your sexting and sending photos of your penis.
When I stay home from work ... the phone rings about 9am. Swipe to voicemail. Guess you didn't tell them your wife would be home today. They, like Stephanie, probably doesn't know. But Debra knows. I wonder how much her husband aware of her texting and calls.
I made a commitment to myself if ever married. To live an authentic life. I may have to apologize ... but it will never be for adultery of body or spirit.
You haven't taken away from me nor have you added to me in any degree.
So believe me when I say, my heart and conscience is clear.
Thank you God for your continuing cover over me.
Monday, September 19, 2016
Jackson City Attorney's Office
From: Monica Joiner
[mailto:mjoiner@city.jackson.ms.us]
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2016 1:37 PM
To: Yo
Subject: RE: Domestic Violence - Officer - Officers not trained in PTSD
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2016 1:37 PM
To: Yo
Subject: RE: Domestic Violence - Officer - Officers not trained in PTSD
Our office is in receipt of your
August 30, 2016, correspondence below. I am forwarding the same to the
Chief Prosecutor, Wendy White, to assist in your request regarding the charges
filed. With your permission, I would like to forward your concerns to the
Chief of Police. However, I will not do so without your consent
first. Your concerns will assist in possible implementation of additional
training as it relates to individuals suffering from post-traumatic stress
disorder. I look forward to your response, and thank you for reaching out
to our office.
Respectfully,
Monica D. Joiner
From: Yo
Sent: Tuesday, August 30, 2016 11:28 AM
To: Monica Joiner
Subject: 1615 Domestic Violence - Officer - Officers not trained in PTSD
Sent: Tuesday, August 30, 2016 11:28 AM
To: Monica Joiner
Subject: 1615 Domestic Violence - Officer - Officers not trained in PTSD
Good morning Ms. Joiner,
I am not seeking any legal advice.
Saturday, I called the Jackson PD, as advised by the
Veteran’s Administration, to assist in getting help for my husband, a veteran
of Desert Storm suffering with PTSD.
Over the past week, my husband’s medication changed to
include an anti-psychotic. On Saturday evening, his state of escalation went to
manic.
I called JPD to have my husband taken to the VA for a psych
hold/evaluation. He will not go voluntarily.
I advised the responding officers of the same. One of the
officer (the youngest of the three, tall, caramel color) stated that my
husband’s choking of me would considered a felony, I would be required to go to
the hospital, which would then initiated felony charges and subsequently, my
husband would lose his VA benefits. I explained to them that it was not my
desire to press charges, but to get my husband the help that he needs.
The three responding officers left out of my home. When they
returned, I was told that because my husband had a scratch – the same officer
above stated he had “defensive wounds”, I was also arrested and charged. I told
the Sergeant at the police station that my husband need to be a the VA hospital.
He was locked up from Saturday night to last night without any of his
medication. Our soldiers are very proud people, as they should be. They’ve
earned every sense of the word. My husband would not voluntarily disclosed his
mental illness … but I did so my husband could be cared for appropriately.
No one listened. No one’s listening.
My husband has almost no recollection of the night events.
And I am no closer to getting him the help that he needs so desperately.
My calling the JPD for assistance was the worst thing that
could have happened to either one of us. I am not afraid of my husband; I am
afraid for my husband. I’m sure they meant well and I have no other complaint
except for the lack of training. My husband needed to go the hospital – not to
jail.
I’m requesting the charges be dropped prior to the Nov. 7,
2016 court date. He should not have to suffer any further humiliation.
The VA offers no support groups for the spouse’s or family
members of soldiers with PTSD. I do my research and learn as things happen. I
have the Regional Chaplain, Linda Bruce … that I speak to and who advises me
about what to ask from the VA here in Jackson. It all seems to fall on deaf
ears.
I am afraid for my husband, like so many other veteran’s
that he is just being medicated and falling through the cracks of the system.
The JPD is not trained in responding to PTSD and our service men and women.
Best regards,
Yo
90 Days Later
Good morning God,
How could I have been so stupid ....
June 7th to come home and find my husband with all furniture and his personal belongings moved out.
August 20th, by this time I'm sleeping in the guest bedroom. I come down to shower and find the bedroom door locked. I should have turned around and went back upstairs but I knocked. Sean, "What the fuck you want?" I simply wanted to take my shower and put on pjs. Go back upstairs. Too simple. Sean still running his mouth from this afternoon. The bitches, whores, leach, you come from a line of whores, your mother's a whore, your sister a whore, your children's father's, your son's .... and it continued.
As I'm leaving the bedroom, Sean slaps me on the buttocks, and then raises his foot and kicks me in my buttocks telling me to get out of my bedroom. I turned around to slap him. Sean caught my arm with his right arm and punched me in the jaw on the left side of my face with his left fist. After that no memory of how I got on the bed with him on top of me ... strangling with both hands around my throat. I fought to get him off of me, to get him to let loose. That face looking at me that I've seen before. Angry,hate, evil. I grad at his chain holding his marine medallion causing it to break. He let go.
I hurried out of the room and called the Jackson Police Department. Three officers arrived. All black, one older female, one older male - he had responded to an earlier call at the rental property, and a younger male. The older male took pictures of my neck with his cell phone and left out the front door. Sean was outdoors. While waiting, the younger male officer asked what I wanted to do. I told him that I needed for Sean to be taken into custody. He needed to be hospitalized. His response. Choking is a felony. If we arrest him, you'll have to go the hospital, speak to a detective, he'll be charged and will probably lose his VA benefits ... you don't want that do you? Whatever it takes to get my husband the help that he needs. His response, Well if you press charges, he will probably press charges and both of you will go to jail. What do you want to do? I want to press charges. He said he was going to get the report paperwork. When he returned, he said there's a change of plans. We are pressing charges against both of you. He has a scratch that looks like a defensive wound but we can't determine that. So, you are being arrested also.
We were charged with a 24-Hour Domestic hold. Since it was Saturday, I did not go before a judge till Monday morning. Sean sitting on the bench. When he went before the judge, I told up beside him. When we sat down waiting our release papers, he apologizes for all that transpired. My arrest, being locked up in prison ... I told him it would be alright. He needed help. I did not get released until Monday night. 24 hours turned into 3 days. The peace only lasts ever ... for a couple of days ... there's never any real change. Maybe because I haven't prayed for any, never prayed for him.
Barbara calling at 12:30 am in the middle of the night. He swipes to voicemail.
Stephanie calling at 4:30 am. He swipes to voicemail.
Now he taking calls out back.
Now he making calls from his car.
Almost 30 days .... Each time he escalates ... go ahead ... call the police .... you will go to jail with me. That truth now keeps me from calling for help.
Saturday, August 17th. I come in from the beauty school about 1:00pm with Jackie. If looks could kill both of us would be dead. I told him, I came back to get my wallet and then to the grocery store. I came back about 4 and he was there. Fuck you. Don't talk to me. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I just turned around with the groceries in hand and left. Went to Thomas' and just sat there. About an hour later, I returned home and went to the guest bedroom. Later he comes up, naked wanting to get in bed with me. No, leave me alone ... go back downstairs. Leave me alone. Get out. Go back downstairs. Sean, I'm not staying. Will you scratch my back? I scratched his back. Put lotion on him. Then crawled back into bed. He left. Later he returned about 11pm to say his son, Miles was in the emergency room. I got out of bed. He said Miles complained of a sore throat and went to the ER.
Sunday morning, Sean got up as usual 4am and left for the gym about 5am. Sean didn't return 10pm. I was already in the guestroom, asleep when he busted in, cutting on the lights, asking the whereabouts of the potted plants in the living room. I told him they were outside on the front draining from where I watered them. Sean screaming and shouting to leave things alone that I didn't buy. I walked outside behind him and knocked them over. Sean raised his fist to hit me. I said go ahead hit me again. He stopped in mid-air, looked in my face and spat in my face. Nasty, disrespectful. Evil.
God, I can't find anything in me to pray for him. I don't hate him. But this is more than PTSD ... there is something more to this type of abusive behavior he displays.
I angry with myself for trying to stick with this and now have this pending charge against me.
My heart hurts Lord. I feel like a thorn is there .... always hurting. Some days more than others.
Love you,
Yo
How could I have been so stupid ....
June 7th to come home and find my husband with all furniture and his personal belongings moved out.
August 20th, by this time I'm sleeping in the guest bedroom. I come down to shower and find the bedroom door locked. I should have turned around and went back upstairs but I knocked. Sean, "What the fuck you want?" I simply wanted to take my shower and put on pjs. Go back upstairs. Too simple. Sean still running his mouth from this afternoon. The bitches, whores, leach, you come from a line of whores, your mother's a whore, your sister a whore, your children's father's, your son's .... and it continued.
As I'm leaving the bedroom, Sean slaps me on the buttocks, and then raises his foot and kicks me in my buttocks telling me to get out of my bedroom. I turned around to slap him. Sean caught my arm with his right arm and punched me in the jaw on the left side of my face with his left fist. After that no memory of how I got on the bed with him on top of me ... strangling with both hands around my throat. I fought to get him off of me, to get him to let loose. That face looking at me that I've seen before. Angry,hate, evil. I grad at his chain holding his marine medallion causing it to break. He let go.
I hurried out of the room and called the Jackson Police Department. Three officers arrived. All black, one older female, one older male - he had responded to an earlier call at the rental property, and a younger male. The older male took pictures of my neck with his cell phone and left out the front door. Sean was outdoors. While waiting, the younger male officer asked what I wanted to do. I told him that I needed for Sean to be taken into custody. He needed to be hospitalized. His response. Choking is a felony. If we arrest him, you'll have to go the hospital, speak to a detective, he'll be charged and will probably lose his VA benefits ... you don't want that do you? Whatever it takes to get my husband the help that he needs. His response, Well if you press charges, he will probably press charges and both of you will go to jail. What do you want to do? I want to press charges. He said he was going to get the report paperwork. When he returned, he said there's a change of plans. We are pressing charges against both of you. He has a scratch that looks like a defensive wound but we can't determine that. So, you are being arrested also.
We were charged with a 24-Hour Domestic hold. Since it was Saturday, I did not go before a judge till Monday morning. Sean sitting on the bench. When he went before the judge, I told up beside him. When we sat down waiting our release papers, he apologizes for all that transpired. My arrest, being locked up in prison ... I told him it would be alright. He needed help. I did not get released until Monday night. 24 hours turned into 3 days. The peace only lasts ever ... for a couple of days ... there's never any real change. Maybe because I haven't prayed for any, never prayed for him.
Barbara calling at 12:30 am in the middle of the night. He swipes to voicemail.
Stephanie calling at 4:30 am. He swipes to voicemail.
Now he taking calls out back.
Now he making calls from his car.
Almost 30 days .... Each time he escalates ... go ahead ... call the police .... you will go to jail with me. That truth now keeps me from calling for help.
Saturday, August 17th. I come in from the beauty school about 1:00pm with Jackie. If looks could kill both of us would be dead. I told him, I came back to get my wallet and then to the grocery store. I came back about 4 and he was there. Fuck you. Don't talk to me. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I just turned around with the groceries in hand and left. Went to Thomas' and just sat there. About an hour later, I returned home and went to the guest bedroom. Later he comes up, naked wanting to get in bed with me. No, leave me alone ... go back downstairs. Leave me alone. Get out. Go back downstairs. Sean, I'm not staying. Will you scratch my back? I scratched his back. Put lotion on him. Then crawled back into bed. He left. Later he returned about 11pm to say his son, Miles was in the emergency room. I got out of bed. He said Miles complained of a sore throat and went to the ER.
Sunday morning, Sean got up as usual 4am and left for the gym about 5am. Sean didn't return 10pm. I was already in the guestroom, asleep when he busted in, cutting on the lights, asking the whereabouts of the potted plants in the living room. I told him they were outside on the front draining from where I watered them. Sean screaming and shouting to leave things alone that I didn't buy. I walked outside behind him and knocked them over. Sean raised his fist to hit me. I said go ahead hit me again. He stopped in mid-air, looked in my face and spat in my face. Nasty, disrespectful. Evil.
God, I can't find anything in me to pray for him. I don't hate him. But this is more than PTSD ... there is something more to this type of abusive behavior he displays.
I angry with myself for trying to stick with this and now have this pending charge against me.
My heart hurts Lord. I feel like a thorn is there .... always hurting. Some days more than others.
Love you,
Yo
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Married and Alone
Hi God,
I never thought I would be back here writing. But here we are... Sean has spiraled out of control. He's not in therapy. He's not taking his medication. He's suspicious. Accusatory. Mean. A kind of evil I've never seen or experienced before. Would he hurt me physically? I want to no. Everyone around me believes that he could, and perhaps would. That he could kill me. Really did I just write that! I want to delete it ... but I can't.
In two day, I will be celebrating my birthday ... without my husband. Not sure, if I ever had him fully.
God, I do love him very much and can't stomach the disdain that he exhibits to me. How do you spew such hatred to the women who cooks for you, lays next to you. I don't understand.
God, he says he remembers when he first saw me in line at a local eatery. Where is that man? What has captured his mind.
God, I pray for peace of mind for my husband. I pray for healing and wellness. God let his thoughts be on you and his wife.
God, place upon his heart why he married me. Place upon his heart remorse and regret. Please upon his heart humility and humbleness. Place upon his heart love for me.
God, I know you are always with me and you have never allowed me to go left. So, I have to believe that you meant for this marriage to take place for the both of us.
God, be in the midst of this and have Your way with us. I will accept and be obedient.
I love you always,
Yo
I never thought I would be back here writing. But here we are... Sean has spiraled out of control. He's not in therapy. He's not taking his medication. He's suspicious. Accusatory. Mean. A kind of evil I've never seen or experienced before. Would he hurt me physically? I want to no. Everyone around me believes that he could, and perhaps would. That he could kill me. Really did I just write that! I want to delete it ... but I can't.
In two day, I will be celebrating my birthday ... without my husband. Not sure, if I ever had him fully.
God, I do love him very much and can't stomach the disdain that he exhibits to me. How do you spew such hatred to the women who cooks for you, lays next to you. I don't understand.
God, he says he remembers when he first saw me in line at a local eatery. Where is that man? What has captured his mind.
God, I pray for peace of mind for my husband. I pray for healing and wellness. God let his thoughts be on you and his wife.
God, place upon his heart why he married me. Place upon his heart remorse and regret. Please upon his heart humility and humbleness. Place upon his heart love for me.
God, I know you are always with me and you have never allowed me to go left. So, I have to believe that you meant for this marriage to take place for the both of us.
God, be in the midst of this and have Your way with us. I will accept and be obedient.
I love you always,
Yo
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